Subject: Kevin Smith
Birth date: The day the Orioles had their 23rd straight win over the Royals. Suck it, Royals!
Occupation: Part-time media mogul, Ben Affleck enthusiast and director. Full-time Tweeter.
Next Movie: Tusk, releasing September 2014.
About: Kevin Smith has a wife, daughter and a magical wish granting leprechaun. He dropped out of film school, maxed out a bunch of credit cards, and gambled his entire future making a movie with his friends. Long story shart, this led to the creation of his own modest media empire that allows him to independently produce whatever content he pleases. His army of sweaty, sexually frustrated fan boys will buy anything with his face on it, like a bearded Mickey Mouse with a jacked fart-hole.
Depending on whom you ask, this is either a beautiful Cinderella story, or a crime against humanity. Regardless, if you’ve ever thought about working in entertainment, you probably envy the man’s career trajectory.
As a teenager and a large portion of my 20’s, I was an unapologetic Kevin Smith junky. But I can’t say I really relate to most of what he creates now. My editor once called him a pointless, pompous pseudo-intellectual with all the contemporary relevance of Slimer Hi-C fructose drinks. But he also has shattered film school dreams and a drinking problem.
Aaanyway… As you know, movieMixology is all about the drinking games. Hell, I’ve never written one sober article for this site. In the spirit of that, let’s take the classic drinking game Bang, Marry or Kill and apply it to our little buddy Kevin Smith and his career.
Bang means that the movie is worth watching, but you will probably give it a fake name or not call it in the morning. Marry means the movie had some sort of deeper impact and you want to grow old with it. Kill is obvious, the movie is garbage. KS movies grant us three consistent metrics with which to judge quality: Rewatchability, Smith Quirk (dialogue, weirdness, etc.) and Bad Actor Factor (he has a full stable of bad actors that he loyally reuses).
Why am I doing this? Because he has a new movie coming out and people are going to Google him. That’s how parasitical click-bait works, jackass.
In a prophetic movie about their future careers, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon play two fallen angels who almost destroy the universe through their own hubris. Dogma contains the best performance of a guy in a rubber poop-monster costume since Michael Chiklis in Fantastic Four. You also get to see Chris Rock’s naked butt! So win/win/bang!
Rewatchability Level: Jackie Brown
Smith Quirk: 7 John Goodmans out of 10 Fred Phelps’s.
Bad Actor Factor: Neutralized by Michael Parks being pure badass.
This was K Dawg’s second attempt at a horror movie, after Cop Out. It’s basically fanfic he wrote about the Westborough Baptist Church as murdering lunatics, instead of the law-abiding lunatics they are.
The mix of KS comedy thrown into some intense horror, makes this like the bipolar gal you keep dating even though she hit you with her car and won’t shut up about her ex-husband. You can’t help but bang because you’re crippled emotionally and violent sex is the closest you come to having real feelings. (Or is that just me?)
Also, Michael Parks is amaze-balls in this! Watch this movie and you’ll see why Quentin Tarantino keeps making foot-fetish pornos with him. Bang.
Rewatchability Level: Crank
Smith Quirk: 9 sail boats schooners out of 10 chocolate covered pretzels
Bad Actor Factor: 5 Jeremy Londons, 4 Jason Lees, 3 Renee Humphreys, 2 Joey Adams, and a Shannen Doherty in a pear tree.
Poor acting, shot like an infomercial, and awkward dialogue that even our generation’s greatest thespian, Cameron Diaz, wouldn’t be able to make sound natural. But I love this movie! A zany, random mess, but it tickles my funny boner. Mallrats is the quirky hipster girl with the bad tattoos and disgusting ear gauges working at the independent coffee shop. Way more good than bad, but you can’t help but focus on the gross gauges while you bang her.
Bonus points for being the only movie where Jason Lee is likeable enough that the audience doesn’t want to punch him in the face. Bang.
Rewatchability Level: The Devil’s Rejects
Smith Quirk: 8 tracers out of 10 male-friendly lesbians.
Bad Actor Factor: The three leads create ménage-a-trios of awkward line delivery.
I was going to call this movie a “bromance” so I’d seem cooler for liking a flat-out romantic comedy where Ben Affleck open-mouth kisses Jason Lee, but that’d be disingenuous… and gay. Chasing Amy is your first serious girlfriend you proposed to when you were 17. Sure you’ll get divorced after two kids because she’s emotionally unstable and secretly into bestiality. But damn it, it’s true love and you’re gonna marry her anyway. Haters, parents and realists be damned!
As per usual you want to punch Jason Lee in the face, but this time in a good way. Oh man I’m complimenting Jason Lee again, what’s wrong with me? Marry.
Rewatchability Level: Firefly
Smith Quirk: 37 snowballs out of 10 berserkers.
Bad Actor Factor: 100% infection rate.
Clerks is the little movie that defied the odds and made people almost care about indie film. K-Swag gambled with dangerously overextended credit and hit the jackpot when this movie went pre-internet viral. Clerks is the timeless pin-up gal that even kids today still gravitate towards. She’s the cover model of the old Hustler magazine you find in your uncle’s closet when you’re a bored 9 year old snooping around on summer vacation. Sure, you have no idea what to do with her (you haven’t even figured out masturbation yet), but your guts are telling you that this is true love.
Clerks encapsulates the feeling of everyone in their late teens and early twenties who had to work a soul-draining, minimum wage job. It also taught young girls that they’d better blow more than 37 guys in their first year in college or they’ll wind up dating some loser working at a convenience store.
Aim high, girls! Marry.
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Rewatchability Level: Dumb & Dumber
Smith Quirk: 9 orangutans out of 10 diamond thieves.
Bad Actor Factor: Titan clash of Jason Lee and Jason Biggs, with spatterings of Shannon Elizabeth.
JASBSB is a live-action cartoon. Kevin Smith and his sidekick, Jason Mewes, essentially play Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck on a time travelling journey to murder Mark Zuckerburg before he gives birth to the Anti-Christ. Rotten Tomatoes craps on it pretty hard, but there are few movies that crank out genuine laughs at such a fast pace! The few moments that the two leads aren’t on screen, the audience instantly stops masturbating and waits anxiously for their return.
JASBSB is Judy Jettson, Betty Rubble, Jessica Rabbit, Harley Quinn or whatever particular “oh God, I’m sexually attracted to a cartoon” character of your own shameful subconscious. There’s a reason why Japanese dudes are marrying anime-shaped f*** dolls; because sometimes real women have periods. Gross. Marry.
Rewatchability Level: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
Smith Quirk: 9 cracker-ass hatemongers out of 10 donkey shows.
Bad Actor Factor: Jeff Anderson is endearingly bad, Brian O’Halloran is smackable bad.
Easily the funniest and most rewatchable of our hero’s films; Clerks II is the Aliens to Clerks’ Alien vs. Predator. Sure the two leads can’t act, but just like with the original it doesn’t diminish from how much you like them or how goddamn funny they are.
As a billionaire, space-pirate, ninja-doctor who plows a different porn star every night, I’m not sure why I’d gravitate towards a movie about being kicked in the nuts by life, love and career. But somehow this movie speaks to me. If Clerks II was a woman, it’d be Rosario Dawson. Not only is she appropriately the female lead in the movie; but how do you not marry Rosario Dawson?
Exactly, you can’t. Marry.
Rewatchability Level: Die Hard 5
Smith Quirk: 2 surveillance teddy bears out of 10 Andy Pafko baseball cards.
Bad Actor Factor: My nose starts bleeding when I try to recall details from this movie.
The last time I remember being excited about a Kevin Smith movie was before Cop Out came out. Prior to that point KS could have just farted on the cast of Degrassi for 90 minutes and I would have happily coughed up the admission price. (I’ve paid to see him on tour twice now.) But watching this was like watching Jesus kick my puppy.
This movie was painfully unfunny and annoying. It caused the Haitian earthquakes in 2010 and made people hate Tracy Morgan more than the whole “drown my gay son” thingy. This movie is the obnoxious fat chick in the bar who tries to cock-block you with her hot friends, even though you very nicely let her molest your nerdy friend in the KFC dumpster earlier.
Though kudos to KS that the worst movie he directed is also the only movie he didn’t write too. Definitely a kill.
Rewatchability Level: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
Smith Quirk: 3 Will Smiths out of 10 JLo death scenes.
Bad Actor Factor: Jason Biggs + a little kid. *shudder*
Due to being boring, unoriginal and boring, combined with the bad luck of being the “Bennifer” movie that came out after Gigli, most people rag on this movie pretty hard. Also it was boring.
This movie is the bland, frumpy gal wearing a sweater with a picture of her cat on it. Not only did I forget that the awesome George Carlin was in it, but that it also had a Liv Tyler shower scene. It also extended Jason Biggs’ career. That in itself is a kill. Booo!
Zach and Miri Make a Porno
Rewatchability Level: Independence Day
Smith Quirk: 6 toilet water showers out of 10 Rosie O’Donell sex tapes.
Bad Actor Factor: Elizabeth Banks & (surprisingly) Jason Mewes turn in the few good performances.
This is how the world found out that Seth Rogen isn’t a comedy wizard who can magically make everything hilarious. This movie is kinda like the wine-drunk cougar with her arms draped over you, slurring in your ear at last call. You’d still bang her for the first ¾ of the movie, even with your friends laughing at you in the corner. It definitely had some funny scenes.
Then in the last ¼, a movie about people making pornography devolves into a predictable, cheesy romance. This is the point when the slurring, bitter divorcée starts reading you her terrible poetry and talking about how spiritual she is. You have no other option at this point; Kill.
I gotta give props to Jason Mewes though. His delivery of the “Dutch rudder” scene alone almost makes this movie a bang. Almost.
So there you have it, your obligatory, click-bait Kevin Smith movie ranking before Tusk hits the theaters this September. I listened to the podcast that inspired Tusk. It sounds like a genuinely terrible idea, but the trailer looks really interesting. Mostly because of Michael Parks behaving like a terrifying madman, which he did perfectly in Red State.
So Kevin Smith will definitely be getting my money again. And if this goofy idea works, he’ll get it for the even dumber sounding Yoga Hosers too.
In closing: I know it’s popular to rag on K-Smizzle these days, but I still love the guy! He gets to manifest his whims for a living and that’s pretty fantastic. His dialogue consistently makes me laugh and I admire the hell out of him. He’s also the king of self-deprecating humor, which I’m a giant fan of.
OK, now go away.