The Bang, Marry, Kill, 2014 Orgy: Kevin Smith, Christopher Nolan, The Farrelly Brothers and Paul Thomas Anderson.

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Hey, weirdo. What’s up?

I’m trying out a lazy method of delivering information to the reader by talking to myself.

I’d say you’re off to a bad start.

Me too. I also reviewed four Directors this year via movieMixology’s Bang, Marry, Kill segment. Each right before they released new movies into theaters, in a disgusting attempt to piggy-back site clicks off their work.

Neat, which Directors? I don’t read your site.

Kevin Smith, Christopher Nolan, The Farrelly Brothers and Paul Thomas Anderson.

So now you’re going to review Tusk, Interstellar, Dumb & Dumber To and Inherent Vice?

You nailed it, other me.

Timely. People will definitely care!

It seemed like a good idea at the time…

So what’s happening? Stars? Letter grades? Thumbs?

No, I’m going to BMK them.

Sounds gross.

It stands for Bang, Marry, Kill. It is the criteria by which I judge all movies, because this is a drinking themed site and I’m extremely immature for my age.

Bang = Worth seeing.

Marry = Amaze-balls!

Kill = If this movie was a person, I’d give it Ebola.

I’m bored. 

Just because Christopher Nolan has more “Marry” ratings, doesn’t mean he’s a better story teller than PTA. Or the fact that Kevin Smith also has more “Marry” ratings doesn’t mean that he’s a better technical filmmaker than Nolan. It just means that when comparing Smith apples to Nolan oranges that’s how things worked out.

I’m extremely inconsistent, ask my bank.

Why do they call it a “Dutch oven”? Do the Dutch eat farts? 

Let us begin.

Subject #1: Kevin Smith

This man takes more selfies than your little sister.

This man takes more selfies than your little sister.

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Rating so far:

Bang – 3 (Dogma, Red State, Mallrats)

Marry – 4 (Chasing Amy, Clerks, Clerks II, JASBSB)

Kill – 3 (Cop Out, Jersey Girl, ZAMMAP)

Latest Movie: Tusk

Remember this painfully unfunny scene? He’s going to make an entire movie of just this!

Remember this painfully unfunny scene? He’s going to make an entire movie of just this!

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To quote a great man, “good lord, this is a piece of shit!

His previous movie Red State was good enough that the Blu-ray is somewhere in my Hello Kitty themed sex-dungeon. So I went into Tusk with optimism, despite the fucktarded premise. But after watching it, I was no longer able to feel joy without strangling drifters.

This should have been a 5 minute cartoon, not a 102 minute dramedy-horror. There is a flower blossoming from this turd though. Inspired by a scene in Tusk that was America’s revenge for burning the White houseYoga Hosers is currently in production. Basically 90 minutes of that terrible SNL sketch about Rob FordJokes about smoking crack? Hells no, the people want silly accents, eh!

So his daughter‘s first starring role will be in a movie comprised entirely of awful Canadian puns. Are you trying to turn her into Sofia Coppola? Another sexy American did that once and it almost destroyed his career. And did you really name her character Colleen McKenzieFawwwk you!

True, I may be biased because I’m a filthy, uncut Canadian. But my editor is American and he loved this experimental diarrhea, film, diarrhea-film. So I’ll just assume cultural superiority while he uses his right to bear arms in the fight against universal healthcare.

Rewatchability level: Wild Wild West

Smith quirk: 1 walrus dong out of 10 stoner podcasts

Bad actor factor: Johnny Depp’s character inspiration came from watching seniors eating soup and talking about Matlock.

My editor claimed that I just didn’t get the over the top satire in Depp’s performance. I’d argue that intent doesn’t mean $hit if he’s so boring the audience starts fishing for gum underneath their seats instead of laughing.

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is that fat, American stoner who discovers that you’re Canadian and thinks it’s hilarious to say “eh” and “aboot” all night. You can tell she’s fried her brain with too much weed because she takes a painfully long time to tell completely boring stories. Alternating between hysterical crying, dead eyed earnestness and bad comedy all within the same sentence. She’ll quote famous authors to sound smart, despite having never read any of their work.

Everyone is drinking heavily to deal with her bullshit, until finally your buddy does the group a favor by vomiting all over her. Sure this means that her hot friends are now off limits, but it was worth it just to shut her up. Kill.

Subject #2: Christopher Nolan

“I’m thinking about giving your character a third kid to make the movie a solid five hours.”

“I’m gonna give your character another kid to make the movie a brisk five hours.”

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Rating so far:

Bang – 3 (Batman Begins, The Prestige, Memento)

Marry – 2 (The Dark Knight, Inception)

Kill – 3 (Following, Insomnia, The Dark Knight Rises)

Latest Movie: Interstellar

Despite the amazing visual effects in this movie, I opted to use this same silly image for a third time.

Despite the amazing visual effects in this movie, I’m using this silly picture again.

Another dead wife movie? Jesus, Nolan, you should write for Disney.

Cut out the first hour, the Matt Damon shit, McConaughey’s extra useless kid, the two redshirts on the ship, Michael Caine and the lame ending; and you’ve got a 90 minute space movie that’s totally tits.

Mopey, obsessed protagonist: “You know, one of those useless machines they used to make was called an MRI, and if we had one of those left the doctors would have been able to find the cyst in my wife’s brain, before she died instead of afterwards, and then she would’ve been the one sitting here, listening to this instead of me which would’ve been a good thing because she was always the calmer one.” – The emo-naut

Bad fight choreography: The McConau-naut fight with Matt Damon looked just as awkward as two dorks fighting in space suits would probably look. You win this round, Nolan… *Sneaky eyes*

Femme fatale(s): 1.5. Sometimes it was story driven, but more often then not, Anne Hathaway and Murph just existed to screw with the McConau-naut.

Unrelated question: Do you think Nolan’s wife punches him in the face while he’s sleeping?

Amount of Batman: None 😦

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is that girl you suddenly remember is in your phone after the last call ugly-lights come on and realize you’ve been hitting on Kathleen Turner all night. So after you murder Kathleen Turner and toss the body in the dumpster, you give this long forgotten gem a call to see if she’s lonely enough to lower herself to your level for another night.

She looks good (her space scenes and robot effects were phenomenal), but she has so much baggage (dead wife, two kids and a John Lithgow) that it’s usually not worth the hassle. But all your regular girls now have boyfriends that they stubbornly refuse to cheat on.

As luck would have it, she has a working phone and a vagina and is just as drunk as you! You’ll have to put up with a lot of yapping about her ex-boyfriends and bitch mother, but she likes being choked, so the problem will work itself out eventually. Bang.

Subject(s) #3: The Farrelly Brothers

“People keep giving us money for some reason!”

“People keep giving us money for some reason!”

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Rating so far:

Bang – 3 (Kingpin, There’s Something About Mary, Hall Pass)

Marry – 1 (Dumb & Dumber)

Kill – 7 (Me, Myself & Irene, Osmosis Jones, Shallow Hal, Stuck On You, Fever Pitch, The Heartbreak Kid, The Three Stooges)

Latest Movie: Dumb & Dumber To

“People actually take your stripper ex-girlfriend’s vaccination advice instead of doctors?”

“So Measles was eradicated before your stripper ex-girlfriend brought it back?”

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Like I’d ask myself in university when re-submitting the same essay in a different class; Is it still plagiarism if you’re stealing from yourself?

After punking their audience for 20 years with garbage movies, the Farrelly Brothers yelled “got you” and made a comedy that was actually funny again. All they had to do was completely rip off the original movie.

*Side note* The one Canadian accent joke in this movie was 1,000x funnier than the 1,000 shitty Canadian accent jokes in Tusk. Did I mention before that Tusk was the Canadian equivalent of blackface?

Alcohol consumed during viewing: A bunch of cough meds. This is why you don’t make out with Australians before you have shit to do! Might as well have kissed a polio-blanket…

Memorable quote: Harry and Lloyd say the one thing everyone’s thinking when they watch TED talks; “Show us your tits!”

Worth re-watching? If I’m hung over on the couch I probably won’t turn it off, but I’d rather just watch the original again.

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is that unattainable girl who was super hot in junior high school, but soon got knocked up and dropped out. You find out after high school grad that she married, crapped out a few more kids, went full on 200 lb trailer-park-mama, and slowly faded out of your memory.

Years later you’re at the bar and run into her “single-versary” party and see that she’s dropped all the weight (and possible meth habit), got implants and is once again hot. Not nearly as good as she was in your adolescent memory, but about as good as someone can recover after two decades worth of terrible, terrible movies. Bang.

Subject #4: Paul Thomas Anderson

Hipster version of The Usual Suspects.

Hipster version of The Usual Suspects.

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Rating so far:

Bang – 5 (Hard Eight, Boogie Nights, Magnolia, Punch-Drunk Love, The Master)

Marry – 1 (There Will Be Blood)

Kill – 0 (Even the Adam Sandler one was good!)

Latest Movie: Inherent Vice

Still no “Clifford” sequel? WTF, Martin Short?!

Still no “Clifford” sequel? WTF, Martin Short?!

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Andy Samberg’s wife narrates the film. I like to think that means Detective Jake Peralta is somewhere in the background crackin’ wise.

Tortured protagonist? The long-lost love of a private investigator comes back into his life under a cloud of mystery and marijuana smoke. These movies always have well-adjusted characters, right?

Long one-take shots? Plenty, but the two seduction scenes of Joaquin Phoenix stand out the most. One with a naked Katherine Waterston that made my ankles sweaty.

The other where he gets the $hit kicked out of him by Josh Brolin. Either they found a really good stunt double or Joaquin Phoenix is a fucking trooper!

Bat-$hit surreal imagery? There were so many surreal images in this movie, but Josh Brolin deep-throating a chocolate covered banana in front of a horrified Joaquin Phoenix was probably the most memorable.

Who should I watch it with? Go to your local elementary school, give the kids in the remedial class a bunch of blow and sugar, smash their cell phones, handcuff them to the theater seats and enjoy the show!

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is that ex who is constantly telling you about the other guys she has sex with, despite you throwing up in her salad every time she does. She keeps bringing it up because you’re “friends”, but it just makes you uncomfortable when you’re inevitably inside her again (because you’re stuck in a perpetual circle of random hookups where neither of you can quit banging the other).

She’ll ultimately be the death of you, but you just can’t say no. Bang.

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Is it…? Is it over? Yep, that was 2014 in a butt-shell.

Can I go now? I know what you’re thinking “Most of the directors you reviewed this year create (mostly) new and original content. Where are the soulless hacks who will direct any piece of $hit for a paycheck?

No, I was wondering what it would be like if Eric Andre wore Jay Leno’s face. Well, you’re in luck! The first BMK of 2015 will feature the master of recycling clichéd garbage, Rob Cohen. Strap yourselves in, because it’s about to get fast and furious!

I was also thinking about tacos. See what I did there? You can’t teach that.

3 Responses to “The Bang, Marry, Kill, 2014 Orgy: Kevin Smith, Christopher Nolan, The Farrelly Brothers and Paul Thomas Anderson.”

  1. […] next movie coming out. The only reason I saw Tusk and Dumb and Dumber To is because I had a year-end review to […]

  2. […] the more I think about Jurassic World, the more I hate it. Like Interstellar or Terminator Genysis, or the first time I filmed myself having sex. (Keep her in frame, […]

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