Bang, Marry, Kill: The Wachowski Siblings

 

Bang_Marry_Kill_Logo

Hey, the Wachowski Brothers Siblings have a movie coming out this week… Click the article. Do it. Click it. Click it. Click it!

Click Me!

Subject(s): The Wachowski Siblings

We look like the villains in our own movies!

We look like the villains in our own movies.

Source

Birth dates: One on the same day as Chinese Astronaut, Yang Liwei. The other during Star Trek’s “Trouble with Tribbles” episode (which inspired some of Orci & Kurtzman’s biggest unintentional laughs).

Hometown: They grew up in the same mean streets that created some of history’s greatest monsters: Al Capone, John Wayne Gacy, Richard Speck, and Jenny McCarthy.

Occupations: Former Jay & Silent Bob cosplayers. Current Eastern European rave-club owners. Directors.

Best known for: The Matrix

Next movie: Jupiter Ascending

jupiter_ascending_movie_poster

Coming Summer 2014… I mean, February 2015. Uh oh…

Source

About: Formerly known as Larry and Andy, The Wachowski Brothers. But then ol’ Larry decided to go against God and nature and turned himself into an abhorrent abomination… By growing dreadlocks. Yuck.

I mean, have you ever tried making out with a chick who has dreadlocks and not throw up? It’s like making out with a smoker. Oh, and he also got a sex change/augmentation/whatever and now goes by Lana. You go, girl. *Snap, snap, snap*

But seriously, dreadlocks? Gross…

The Wachowskis also produced V for Vendetta, the only movie to make me cry and erect (tearection!™) at the same time, for their go-to 2nd unit director, James McTeigue. Their other attempt to support him was worse than Korean pop music.

Fun fact: My buddy Scott and I almost got into a slap-fight in a near empty theater with some middle aged hillbillies because they wouldn’t shut up during The Mostest Boringest Ninja Evur.

Worrrth it!

Elements of a Wachowski film:

  1. Wachowski style.
  2. Fetish gear.
  3. Pretentious dialogue.

Judgment Criteria:

  • Bang = Worth a hungover-on-the-couch watch.
  • Marry = Drop that marshmallow casserole and watch it right now!
  • Kill = So bad, you’ll eat your own eyeballs.

Disclaimer:

Blah, blah, blah. All the women in the BMK verdicts are theoretical. Blah, blah, blah. Except for the woman in the red dress who is actually theoretical. Blah, blah, blah. Preamble that no one cares about.

Begin.

Bound (1996)

If you want a scene to be more intense, don’t call the character, Corky, by name. Better yet, don’t name your character, Corky.

If you want a scene to be more intense, don’t call the character, Corky, by name. Better yet, don’t name your character, Corky.

Source

Premise: We can only afford one good actor. Hire Joe Pantoliano, then put an ad on Craigslist for actresses who will do graphic, topless, lesbian sex for two meatball subs a day.

Wachowski style: After watching this film, there was zero question why they were hired to make The Matrix.

This should have been a generic, terribly acted, low budget, gangster film. Instead it was elevated with amazing visuals and dynamic camera moves, to look like The Matrix of terribly acted, low budget, gangster films.

Fetish gear: The movie opens with Gina Gershon bound (I just got the title!) and gagged (that too).

Leather and elegant prostitute garb are sprinkled throughout.

Pretentious dialogue: For me, stealing’s always been a lot like sex. Two people who want the same thing: they get in a room, they talk about it. They start to plan. It’s kind of like flirting. It’s kind of like foreplay, ’cause the more they talk about it, the wetter they get. The only difference is, I can fuck someone I’ve just met. But to steal? I need to know someone like I know myself.” – Sara ‘Sway’ Wayland

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is the equivalent of that girl that doesn’t sound very bright, but you give her a chance because you think you see something deeper underneath the surface. Plus she’s bi…

OK, shut up, it’s mostly because she’s bi.

Then she asks you your zodiac sign and it just goes downhill from there.

Nothing switches your personality from “politely humoring” to “release the hounds” like asking your zodiac sign.

Kill.

 

The Matrix (1999)

I can’t wait till the Wayans Brothers take this ball and run with it. It’ll be comedy gold!

I can’t wait till the Wayans Brothers take this ball and run with it. It’ll be comedy gold!

Source

Premise: John Connor fails to stop judgment day and the machines develop a bizarrely inefficient way to generate power.

Wachowski style: They created a unique style that is still ripped off to this day. Don’t feel too bad for them though.

Fetish gear: Enough to inspire school shootings for years to come.

Pretentious dialogue: “Throughout human history, we have been dependent on machines to survive. Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony.” – Eldar Ryazanov

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is the equivalent of the woman in the red dress. The whole room stops to stare at her, slack-jawed, as she saunters by with a sexy look on her face, changing everything about action movies for an entire generation.

More importantly, she doesn’t say anything. Ever.

She doooes morph into a scary dude pointing a gun in your face… But the occasional pants-crapping terror is worth some goddamn peace and quiet for once!

Marry.

 

The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

Apparently I was the only one in the theater who thought this was a diarrhea gag.

Apparently I was the only one in the theater who thought this was a diarrhea gag.

Source

Premise: We have a really cool idea for a highway chase. Also, let’s see if we can make kung fu boring.

Wachowski style: Seamless blending of live action and terrible CGI. You can hardly tell if you’re bored by real Keanu Reeves fighting or his CGI stunt double, Stretch Armstrong.

Fetish gear: They double the amount of leather, plus a sexy hobo-rave in Zion.

Pretentious dialogue: Pretty much everything said by The Architect and The Oracle made my balls itchy.

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is the equivalent of that bondage & fetish model that your buddy hooked you up with. On your date she tells you about how she’s a reincarnated alien from another dimension, communicates with her dead grandfather via psychic tattoos, and has a haunted stereo that locks her apartment door and screams at her in Kurt Colbain’s voice.

She also gives you a palm reading to determine your penis size. It was pretty accurate.

You eventually end the date by telling her that she’s the shallowest* person you’ve ever met. She responds with “that’s not a bad thing” and let’s you know that if you were a “real man” you would have grabbed her by the throat, spit in her face and dragged her home long ago. She leaves while you sit there wondering how you could have made such an obvious first date faux pas.

The next day she texts you that she just ate entire block of gruyere cheese, because she was horny. Strangely, it didn’t fix the problem and she needs you to come over and finish the job.

As you lean in to kiss her, she pulls away and says “No, I don’t do that. Not unless you want me to start crying.” Afterward she tells you a fascinating story about how she lost her virginity at 13 to a 50 year old woman.

A few days later she asks if she can have all your Percocet because she had a rough day. You explain to her that they were prescribed to you for your broken wrist and that you kinda need them. To which she tells you to f*** off and you never hear from her again. Bang.

*Yes, I’m fully aware that I called her shallow, yet still slept with her anyway, because I’m shallower.

(Shrugs)

 

 The Matrix Revolutions (2003)

I kinda want a whole movie about just these two, punking people.

I want a whole movie that’s just these two being eccentric weirdos.

Source

Premise: We accidentally filmed all the philosophy 101 BS we cut from the first two scripts. Should we make like the Farrelly Brothers and have the internet hate us forever?

Whatever, cha-ching$!$

Wachowski style: They made the strange decision to have every scene cause the audience to hate the following scene, before they even see it. Inception!

Fetish gear: “How to we top all the tight leather outfits in the last movie?

“How bout an awkwardly shoe-horned nightclub scene, but filled with S&M weirdos, raving out for no reason?”

“Perfect, pass the glow sticks and ecstasy!”

Pretentious dialogue: “Karma’s a word. Like “love”. A way of saying ‘what I am here to do.’ I do not resent my karma. I’m grateful for it.” – Jack Handy

Bang, Marry or Kill? Remember “Celine” from the Christopher Nolan and Rob Cohen BMK’s? There are many, many reasons why you don’t hang out with Celine anymore. One of them is that she took you and your buddy, Andy out drinking with a girlfriend who is the equivalent of this movie.

Celine’s girlfriend had haunting dead eyes, a Skrillex haircut and bad neck tattoos. Oh, and she also murdered her own baby and was out of jail on a technicality. She later stole $500 from Celine, but she had that coming for being the type of dumbass who frequently hangs out with criminals.

This girl is a genuine Munchausen’s monster. Buuut you were still the jerk who tried to hook Andy up with her. What? You were a dozen beers deep when Celine finally told you. And instead of immediately telling Andy and running, you thought it would be funny if he banged a murderer instead.*

Is that so wrong?

Is it?

OK, so you’re a bad friend, whatever… Kill.

*For those wondering, he did NOT hook up with the murderer. Apparently he can sense evil (and Terminators) like a dog and ditched us at the bar. Pussy…

 

Speed Racer (2008)

Is it too late to make a “Super Mario Brothers” movie with John Goodman instead?

Is it too late to make a “Super Mario Brothers” movie with John Goodman instead?

Source

Premise: Let’s take a solid kid’s movie, but market it purely to Japanese men in their 60’s, so it’ll bomb and kill Emile Hirsh’s career.

Wachowski style: Dark green tones and slow motion have been replaced with bright neon pastels and hyperactive scene overlays. If the Wachowski’s make a movie about school girls being tentacle-raped, they’ll earn official Japanese citizenship.

Fetish gear: Oodles of kid-friendly, tight leather outfits.

Pretentious dialogue: “It doesn’t matter if racing never changes. What matters is if we let racing change us. Every one of us has to find a reason to do this. You don’t climb into a T-180 to be a driver. You do it because you’re driven. I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters. Not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bullshit. For those ten seconds or less, I’m free.” – Racer X

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is that gal who has so much ADHD that you literally start jingling your keys in front of her face to get her attention.

But she’s cool enough too laugh it off and show you up by playing with the keys anyway, like an adorable little kitty-cat.

Bang.

 

Cloud Atlas (2012)

I desperately want to do this. Give me some bubble wrap before I get arrested!

I desperately want to do this. Give me some bubble wrap before I get arrested!

Source

Premise: A multi-generational, thought provoking, reincarnation epic. But let’s inject some distracting race-swapping makeup to drag the audience out of the story.

Wachowski style: The Wachowski’s directed this with some guy. Other than the speeder bike chase through Neo Seoul’s forest-moon, it doesn’t really look like their usual, hyper-stylized eyeball molestation.

Fetish gear: Of course they jammed fetish gear into their somber period piece. That’s like expecting Christopher Nolan to write well-adjusted female characters, or Michael Bay to not add explosions in his slam poetry.

Pretentious dialogue: “What is a critic but one who reads quickly, arrogantly, but never wisely.” –Dermot Hoggins.

Just kidding. I love this line and wanted any excuse to quote it.

Bang, Marry or Kill? Everyone knows at least one girl, or several girls, (“I totally meant someone else, not you, babe!”) who used to write at great lengths about her life in her diary, then her live journal, then her online travel journal, and now on her personal blog.

She posts updates constantly, tries to add you to her mailing list, and repeatedly asks you if the poems she writes at the end of each update really capture her unique spirit.

Instead of pretending that you read it, you probably should have just told her that it’s against your religion to use computers and walked away… Whoops!

This movie is the opposite of that girl. Because it’s actually kinda interesting.

Bang.

 

wachlet

 

What to expect from their next movie, Jupiter Ascending: The movie was delayed from a summer release and dumped into February. That’s usually a bad sign. The last Channing Tatum movie that had a massive delay was GI Joe 2, and that movie was worse than ebola-farts.

But let’s check out the trailer anyway:

 

Apparently they’re rebooting Scientology, with a less retarded backstory.

Get Mila Kunis to give me an e-meter reading, with a few Travolta-style massages and I’ll give it a shot.

 

6 Responses to “Bang, Marry, Kill: The Wachowski Siblings”

  1. […] Wachowski and Lana Wachowski (as The Wachowskis and/or The Wachowski Siblings, see our latest BMK for more details) have delivered another visually arresting cinematic event that has everything you […]

  2. […] still haven’t seen The Boy Next Door or Jupiter Ascending, and probably won’t until they’re on Netflix or I have to write my 2015 year-end review. (But […]

  3. […] apologizing for things that made no sense. With some of the directors I’ve looked at on this site, the apologies would be longer than the […]

  4. […] calm your flabby man-tits, fanboys, we’re in good hands. Probably… We’ve been led astray by false prophets […]

  5. […] tortured artists: Rob Cohen, The Wachowski Siblings, George Miller, Tarsem Singh and J.J. […]

  6. wachowskis- now the ultimate in grotesque. morbidly self-obsessed narcissistic culture cancer. ISIL poster children.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: