Bang, Marry, Kill: George Miller

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 Subject: George Miller

George_Miller_-_Happy_Feet_2

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Birth date: He refused to leave the womb until the Battle of Manila was over. George began making bold political statements from a very young (fetal) age.

Birth place: The nightmare factory known as Australia; where you have to check the toilets for murder before sitting, and even the teddy bears have poisonous fangs that spit acid.

Occupation: Harry Potter cosplayer. Director.

Best known for: Giving the world Mel Gibson and gay penguins. But unfortunately not in the same movie…

Next movie: Mad Max: Fury Road

This is going to replace the giant picture of Jack peaking through the shattered door in the Shining that I hang above my bed to get girls in the mood.

Is that a banana in my pocket or am I just happy to see this poster?

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About: Apparently George Miller, the respected filmmaker, is also a goddamn doctor! Making short films while in med school, then spending spare time from his residency as a crew member on experimental films.

Way to make me feel lazy, George.

Jerk…

OK, George Miller is already bumming me out with all his accomplishments. The only time he wasn’t able to make something happen through sheer will power was the ill-fated Justice League movie of 2007. But according to the never-hyperbolic internetz, and to some extent, George Miller himself, it would have sucked balls.

So now we’re going to get Zach Snyder’s version in 2017. I’ll probably BMK Zack Snyder later as blatant click-bait when Batman v. Superman comes out, because you totally need another whiny loser on the internet talking about how great Watchmen is and how Sucker Punch was the last great feminist battle. Aren’t you excited to read another dipshit nerd like me say that? AREN’T YOU?!

Anyway, back to George Miller and the unrestrained giddiness I have in anticipation of Mad Max: Fury Road.

Criteria: Marry means the movie is worth multiple viewings. Bang means the movie is worth a one-nighter. But with George Miller, there really are no terrible movies, like with say, Rob Cohen or the Farrelly brothers who make almost exclusively terrible movies. So when I say Kill, the movie is still well-done, I just found it hard to endure.

Usual disclaimer: All the women mentioned are purely theoretical and for metaphorical purposes only.*

*They aren’t.

 

Mad Max (1979)

With a subplot about the practicality of tight leather pants in the Australian desert.

Tight leather pants in the Australian desert? Practical…

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Premise: George Miller decides that he’s better n’ me and makes all his dreams come true instead of making excuses and nurturing my alcohol/Brazilian fart-porn addictions.

Future rip-offs homages: Lethal Weapon. Mel Gibson is a cop with a dead wife… out for revenge! Suffers greatly from lack of Australian accents, but adds the one thing the original was sorely missing, Gary Busey.

Saw. Mel Gibson inspires Jigsaw with the line: “The chain in those handcuffs is high-tensile steel. It’d take you ten minutes to hack through it with this. Now, if you’re lucky, you could hack through your ankle in five minutes. Go.” Then he drops a hacksaw next to the jerk handcuffed to a soon-to-explodey car and walks off like a boss.

Drunker Deeper questions: Who designed the future-cop’s uniforms to have more tight leather than current stripper-cop’s uniforms?

Seriously, what’s with all the tight leather pants in the Australian desert? I’m sitting in ball-soup just watching this.

Quote that sums up the whole movie: I am the Nightrider. I’m a fuel injected suicide machine. I am the rocker, I am the roller, I am the out-of-controller!” – David Hasselhoff

Bang, Marry or Kill? It’s really, reeeally slow, but shows you what you can do with a suitcase full of bourbon, tacos and ambition. This movie is the equivalent of that girl who sends you a message on a dating site saying “Ugh, you’re still on here? I can’t believe I went out with you, you pathetic asshole.” and you literally have NO memory of who she is or ever meeting her.

I know I didn’t sleep with her, because

1. I’d definitely remember her… Probably. Maybe. Shut up.

2. She’d have much better reasons to hate me/hurt my feelings afterward.

Bang

 

Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior (1981)

The leather pants are upgraded to Wachowski levels of fetish gear. Apparently desert survival clothing is a tricky thing to make sexy.

The leather pants are upgraded to Wachowski levels of fetish gear.

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Premise: Make a post-apocalyptic wasteland movie that future filmmakers will fail miserably at replicating for generations to come.

Future rip-offs homages: Kevin Costner‘s entire career. Bitch, errry movie you make is The Road Warrior, but gayer.

Drunker Deeper questions: Why have I never seen this movie before?!?!

No, seriously. Why have I never seen this before? This movie should be part of whatever grade teaches children about Australia, or nuclear proliferation, or sex ed.

Quote that sums up the whole movie: Either this one or this one, I can’t decide.

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is the equivalent of that sorority girl you hung out with back in University. She’s a twisted little monkey who helped you steal a plastic fetus from the campus pro-life booth, then jammed a coat hanger through its head and paraded it around clubs week with you.

The look on their faces was priceless.

Marry!

 

Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985)

I want a plush toy of this exact image for Christmas.

I want a plush toy of this for Christmas.

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Premise: “The last one was great, but can we add a psychotic midget riding a hulking mute with downs syndrome?”

Future rip-offs homages: Doomsday, maybe? I can’t remember anything about that movie except that Rhona Mitra won’t return my phone calls after I texted her all those dick pics. Even though we’re clearly meant to be together! You can’t call-block my heart, Rhona.

The Bioshock series. Mortal Kombat X. Videogame makers apparently loves them some Master Blaster.

The biggest shocker of all; George Miller pulled multiple scenes from this film and put them into a future project, Babe: Pig in the City. I’m not kidding! It’s as if George Miller said “Finally special effects are good enough that I can remake Mad Max 3… but with Mel Gibson played by a talking pig.

Don’t take my word for it, watch those two movies back to back and tell me I’m wrong.

Drunker Deeper questions: Just how fast can a tiny monkey catch up to a galloping horse with half a day head start? Thirty minutes? Forty, tops.

Why do they put little kids in action movies? Children ruin everything. It only kind of worked in Iron Man 3, but only because RDJ used the kid as an emotional punching bag.

When did Tina Turner become attractive? Not in like a conventional way, but in a “fear-ection” way. I should watch Tommy again, pantsless, just to be sure.

Quote that sums up the whole movie: I’ve got skills, I could trade them.” – Max

Sorry, the brothel’s full.” – The Collector

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie made me realize why the adults hated the Ewoks in ROTJ so much when I was a kid. Never before have I rooted for so many children to get murdered by quicksand.

This movie is the equivalent of that gal who has too many kids from too many different fathers. Sure, if she didn’t have any children, or hell, if she had just one that wasn’t a horrific little demon spawn, you’d consider dating her. But there’s a reason why grocery stores sell damaged goods at a discount. Just avoid the “relationship talk” like you do eye-contact with her gross, grubby kids and turn on the cartoons.

Bang.

 

The Witches of Eastwick (1987)

A low-key Tuesday evening at Jack Nicolson’s life in the 80’s.

A low-key Tuesday evening at Jack Nicolson’s life in the 80’s.

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Premise: Doughy, fifty year old, Jack Nicolson has sex with Cher, Michelle Pfifer and Susan Sarandon in their prime. Because magic, or something. So basically Jack Nicolson’s real life in the 80’s. Also an alien murders Veronica Cartwright on the Nostromo with an axe.

Features some of the greatest Jack Nicolson freak outs since The Shining or One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

Future rip-offs homages: This movie starts out like Weird Science, but for chicks. I don’t remember how Weird Science ended though. Did Robert Downy Jr. have triplets with Jack Nicolson?

They take the whole put-glasses-and-a-ponytail-on-Susan-Sarandon-to-make-her-frumpy thing for the entire boring, stupid plot of She’s All That.

Other than that, I honestly can’t think of a movie similar to this. There’s plenty of “mysterious stranger comes to a small town” movies, but not with quite as many demon orgies.

Drunker Deeper questions: Sooo, are the witches just going to let Dale Dobek’s dad rot in prison after they murdered his wife? They’re supposed to be the protagonists, right?

When the hell did Cher get hot? I mean, I know that old people and gays always go on about how attractive she is, but they say the same thing about Madonna, and she makes me throw up like Drake. George keeps tricking me into being attracted to poofy 80’s hair and I don’t like it!

Quote that sums up the whole movie: Enjoy!

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie about magic is the equivalent of that girl who uses “magic” in real life. “Magic” = sneaky methods that dumpy women use to become attractive. She appears hot, but there’s a reality underneath that you’re not trying to face.

You invited her over one afternoon to cheat on her husband with you (this particular day was memorable because your roommate was smashing his first PS3 with his “science-hammer” to get a game out) and discovered the horrible lies that are padded bras and high heeled hooker boots. You think it’s to look taller, but really it’s to trick your brain into thinking she has a nice ass. So once the makeup was smeared off from making out, the padded bra and heels gone, and nudity commenced, she appeared to be more “12 year old boyish” than the “office hotty” that your brain was tricked by “magic” into believing.

After a few minutes of boring sex where you feel more anger and confusion than you did arousal, you give up and make some excuse to get her out of there. After ignoring a few texts where she asked for another chance to do better, she switched gears entirely and tried to get you fired. A few weeks later she announced that she was pregnant.

You have never been happier that you were too angry to ejaculate.

Bang? 

(But only because of Jack Nicolson. I’m not saying I want to bang Jack Nicolson, but I’m also not saying I wouldn’t let him finger me. You know, for the site… MOVIES!)

Lorenzo’s Oil (1992)

On Christmas morning my grandfather told my brother not to follow James Franco on Twitter.

On Christmas morning my grandfather told my brother not to follow James Franco on Twitter.

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Premise: Hey George, you’ve done a post-apocalyptic action trilogy and a weird chick-flick about witches having a polyamorous relationship with the devil; what do you want to do next?

A heavy handed medical drama about a dying child? Haha. OK George. What’s next, talking pigs and gay penguins?

Future rip-offs homages: Every single daytime cable, tragedy-porn movie made for bored soccer moms.

Drunker Deeper questions: Is Nick Nolte’s Italian accent so terrible that it’ll make you laugh while a child lies dying in agony beside him?

*Spoiler alert* Yes.

Quote that sums up the whole movie: Tell me, do you bleed? You will!” – Dr. Batman

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is those two cougars that invite you back to their hotel room to betray their marital vows with, while away on a golf trip. It’s 3 in the morning, you’re drunk and ready to go, but they decide that they need mix. Or you could just add water to the vodka, you high maintenance philandresses! Jesus…

They leave to grab mix, saying that they’ll be right back. An entire-goddamn-hour later they still haven’t returned, and you’re now more bored and annoyed than you are horny. You grab their remaining bottle of vodka, accidentally smash a lamp (whoops) and leave.

Shame, you really wanted the threesome story too. Oh well.

Kill

Babe: Pig in the City (1998)

From the director of Mad Max, comes… Babe: Pig in the City? That’s not even the biggest surprise on this list.

From the director of Mad Max, comes… Babe: Pig in the City. Dafuq?

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Premise: George Miller re-makes Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome with talking animals, 100% less annoying kids, and a few minor adjustments. The clumsy pig almost kills his owner in a well, almost murders a clown with a canon in front of chemo patients, then causes massive property damage, all while slumming around in a monkey brothel.

So exactly what we expected in a sequel to a movie about a sheep-herding pig.

Future rip-offs homages: Half the movies that this funny British person with the ugly cup, watches.

Drunker Deeper questions: Why did I bother eating a bacon burger while I watched this? It’s not like pointing out a hackneyed conceptual gag will translate to a written review. I don’t even like bacon.

Why do they keep calling him “little pink thing”? I’m not mature enough to deal with that.

How come only the Babe movies and Cinderella understand the narrative importance of singing mice, goddamn it?

Quote that sums up the whole movie: Listen all! This is the truth of it. Fighting leads to killing, and killing gets to warring. And that was damn near the death of us all. Look at us now! Busted up, and everyone talking about hard rain! But we’ve learned, by the dust of them all. Barter town learned. Now, when men get to fighting, it happens here! And it finishes here! Two men enter; one man leaves. Thunderdome, bitch!” – Ferdinand the duck

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is the equivalent of those two girls you and your buddies meet at the casino on New Year’s Eve. They invite you back to their place for drinks and things get, strange. One gal’s room is completely wallpapered with Marylyn Manson posters and multiple lava lamps.

After about half a drink, the girls then request that boys sodomize each other while the girls cut themselves and suck each other’s blood like vampires. Where to begin? You let them know that neither of you has a predilection towards homosexuality. This does not deter them and they try using Disney eyes to convince you to take your friend’s dick in you mouth.

After some fairly aggressive negotiating where she offers to let you bang them afterward, your friend says “I don’t have sex with things I’m not attracted to. You wouldn’t have sex with an animal, right?”

To which she earnestly thinks about for maybe 3 seconds and emphatically answers that yes, she would have sex with animals just to try it.

That’s when we left… Kill

Happy Feet (2006)

Happy Feet 3 might need a few roles recast...

Happy Feet 3 might need a few roles recast…

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Premise: When a high speed chase results in the death of a notorious criminal, known as Nightrider, Mumble became the target of a vicious biker gang’s revenge. After his partner is burned alive and his wife killed, Mumble sets down the path of bloody revenge as the body count rises.

Future rip-offs homages: A movie about singing penguins is replicated shot for shot in a movie about cackling hens.

Drunker Deeper questions: Why does this Mumble idiot keep dancing near cliffs? He’s fallen off more cliffs than Sideshow Bob stepped on rakes.

Why aren’t these the most popular CGI penguins? They’re way more badass than those bitchly Penguins of Madagascar.

Why are there so many Google search results of people pissed that this movie was gay propaganda or anti-Christian? Gay acceptance may have been the underlying metaphor, but it wasn’t overbearing with it. Besides, of all the Hugh Jackman movies, this was probably the most hetero.

As far as it being anti-Christian. I felt more of a universal vibe of defiance and ignoring your dumb, crazy elders, regardless of what barbaric superstition they have. Download the Anarchist Cookbook and don’t stop the chaos until they respect you, kids!

Quote that sums up the whole movie: Enraged by their indifference, he followed them long after they were gone from his sight.” – Robin Williams

Bang, Marry or Kill? I remember Valentine’s day a few years back. My ex had demanded that I take her out for dinner as recompense for being such an awful boyfriend. However I had recently broken my wrist playing soccer (if I wasn’t trying to keep these stories as accurate as possible, I would have lied and said a more manly sport, like ballet). So being in more pain than I wanted to tolerate any longer, I went to the hospital to get injected with radiation for a bone scan, then cast #1 for my broken wrist, figuring that I’d have plenty of time to get ready for dinner, plus a fun conversation piece leading to pity sex.

Apparently I was in the hospital longer than I thought, because I got out to a very angry call from my ex lecturing me about what an inconsiderate asshole I am WHILE she’s on a date with some other sucker. I bet he had fun listening to that.

So I gave the gift I bought her to this Russian girl who’s fiance would drop her off at my place (don’t ask) to wear, before returning it to Victoria’s Secret after I got some use out of it.

Well that comparison sure fell apart quickly… My stupid sex-metaphor gimmick is really hard to do for children’s movies!

Bang
Happy Feet Two (2011)

A CGI penguin comes to terms with the fact that his son is a rollerblading enthusiast.

A CGI penguin comes to terms with the fact that his son is a rollerblading enthusiast.

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Premise: Taking place after the events of the first Happy Feet, Mumble wanders the barren wasteland of the Artic searching for the only valuable commodity left, fuel. Exciting car chases ensue as Mumble encounters nothing but death, destruction and rape. After taking a helicopter pilot prisoner, they meet a group of lovable oil refiners who need their help. Will they melt Mumble’s cold heart in time for him to steal a fuel tanker and lead them to safety?

Future rip-offs homages: Les Misérables. Russell Crowe makes a terrible emperor penguin.

Drunker Deeper questions: Can a Krill named Will, with his friend named Bill, seek out his thrill and find the courage to kill? Haha, but seriously, the little shrimp wants to murder something with a face and eat it. That’s in the movie.

Why am I getting misty watching a baby penguin harmonize to Queen’s “under pressure”? I think I’ve had too much scotch

Quote that sums up the whole movie: Today is a great victory… for defeat.” – Homer Simpson

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie doesn’t get nearly as much love as the first Happy Feet, but I enjoyed it a lot more. I laughed much harder and was way more entertained by penguins being scammed by a self-help con artist during a lone krill’s existential crisis.

Oh right, my stupid gimmick about comparing movies to women… Uh… OK, I got one.

This movie is the equivalent of that woman that you think is going to suck in bed, but to your giddy surprise, it turns out she’s a squirter. And because you’re fueled by OCD and vodka-energy drinks, you’ll keep going and going until she blacks out from dehydration or decides that a good safe word is to punch you in the face.

Bang.

 

Next Movie: Mad Max: Fury Road

Jump into my heart, Tom Hardy. I'm ready to catch you!

Jump into my heart, Tom Hardy. I’m ready to catch you!

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Most of the time when I do a BMK review, I couldn’t care less about the director’s next movie coming out. The only reason I saw Tusk and Dumb and Dumber To is because I had a year-end review to write.

I still haven’t seen The Boy Next Door or Jupiter Ascending, and probably won’t until they’re on Netflix or I have to write my 2015 year-end review. (But in all fairness to me, they look terrible.)

Not this time though. I’m going to see Mad Max: Fury Road, immediately!

 

If Fury Road is half as good as The Road Warrior, it will be worth it. Just watch the trailer again. I’ll wait…

Doesn’t that look amazing? Why haven’t you pre-bought your tickets yet?

It’s weird to type, but I have no worries about Mad Max 4 based on the amazing action scenes of Happy Feet and Happy Feet Two… Those movies get overlooked because they’re about gay penguins singing cabaret and tap dancing; but the scale of those movies and the action scenes are epic.

And really, none of the movies I gave a kill rating to are bad. For what George Miller was trying to accomplish, they’re actually quite good. But I don’t have kids or a girlfriend, so this dumb gimmick I have reviewing directors is the only reason I’d ever watch them.

So I will close out my analysis of this highly respected director’s career by stating emphatically that the penguins of Madagascar are bitches, and anyone who thinks otherwise can suck it!

2 Responses to “Bang, Marry, Kill: George Miller”

  1. […] deep into the summer movie season. Max’s have been mad, Avengers have assembled, and Chris Pratt had a topless, Top Gun-style volleyball […]

  2. […] tortured artists: Rob Cohen, The Wachowski Siblings, George Miller, Tarsem Singh and J.J. […]

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