Archive for the Action Category

The 2015 Bang, Marry, Kill Orgy: Rob Cohen, The Wachowski Siblings, George Miller, Tarsem Singh & J.J. Abrams.

Posted in Action, Action, Bang Marry Kill, Comedy, Comedy, Date Movies, Drama, Sci Fi/ Fantasy, Thriller, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 18, 2016 by notlaz

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To answer your last question, yes, the Dutch eat farts.

I did it last year, so in the spirit of not having anything better to do, here’s the 2015 Bang, Marry, Kill wrap-up.

BB-8 approves

BB-8 approves!

What? I reviewed 5-ish directors in 2015 for movieMixology’s Bang, Marry, Kill series. Each right before they released new movies into theaters, in a crass attempt to piggy-back site clicks off their hard work. All while I nurtured my alcohol addiction and lazily threw out dick jokes.

The tortured artists: Rob Cohen, The Wachowski Siblings, George Miller, Tarsem Singh and J.J. Abrams.

Their 2015 masterpieces: The Boy Next Door, Jupiter Ascending, Mad Max: Fury Road, Self/less and Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens.

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Bang, Marry, Kill: J.J. Abrams

Posted in Action, Action, Bang Marry Kill, Comedy, Comedy, Sci Fi/ Fantasy, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2015 by notlaz

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“Buy your tickets for Star Wars Episode 7 yet?”

“Nah, the prequels sucked, Laz.”

“That was different, man. J.J. Abrams is directing this one, not George Lucas. It’ll be good!”

“You sure? What was his last movie?” Continue reading

The Top 10 Highest Grossing Movies of All Time (and why humanity is DOOMED because of them) Part 1

Posted in Action, Action, Animation, Children, Children, Comedy, Comedy, Date Movies, Drama, Horror, Horror Films with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 19, 2015 by notlaz

 

No need for a long-winded intro here. We’re looking at the top ten highest grossing movies of all time and examining all the horrifying things that they imply about human nature.

Adjusted for inflation, of course, because I’d rather toss a hobo’s salad than watch Transformers 3, Harry Potter 8 or Furious 7 from the unadjusted list.

  1. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

This scene isn’t nearly as sexy as it looks.

Source

The scene in the photo isn’t nearly as sexy as it looks.

Adjust gross revenue: $1,819,000,000

Historical context: Everything sucked in 1937. Shirley Temple was their Megan Fox, Errol Flynn was their Vin Deisel, Clark Gable was their George Clooney, and Jean Harlow was their YouPorn. You try spanking it to this and tell me you wouldn’t rather watch an Albino spaz wandering through the forest, shacking up with 7 mini Unabombers and singing to animals while they pooped on her instead?

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Why You Should Not Go See “Jurassic World: Feminist Road”

Posted in Action, Articles, Comedy, Comedy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 31, 2015 by notlaz

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Not to get all “blood farty” on you, but the geek inside of me was excited when I saw the previews and marketing material for “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial for Atari 2600.” From that great period before ET sold out to the man and joined the galactic senate. And technology powered by Reese’s Pieces and dying children (I don’t remember the E.T. that well).

It flopped worse than Operation Olive Garden.

Of courselloutse, this just reiterated a lesson that my hope (that I’d find a working Atari 2600) made me temporarily forget: Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? And sadly the same thing can be said for “Jurassic World.”

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Bang, Marry, Kill: The Wachowski Siblings

Posted in Action, Articles, Bang Marry Kill, Comedy, Laz's View, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 6, 2015 by notlaz

 

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Hey, the Wachowski Brothers Siblings have a movie coming out this week… Click the article. Do it. Click it. Click it. Click it!

Click Me!

Subject(s): The Wachowski Siblings

We look like the villains in our own movies!

We look like the villains in our own movies.

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Birth dates: One on the same day as Chinese Astronaut, Yang Liwei. The other during Star Trek’s “Trouble with Tribbles” episode (which inspired some of Orci & Kurtzman’s biggest unintentional laughs).

Hometown: They grew up in the same mean streets that created some of history’s greatest monsters: Al Capone, John Wayne Gacy, Richard Speck, and Jenny McCarthy.

Occupations: Former Jay & Silent Bob cosplayers. Current Eastern European rave-club owners. Directors.

Best known for: The Matrix

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Halloween Horror wHo0o0or-ticle: Left Behind

Posted in Action, Articles, Comedy, Laz's View, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on October 29, 2014 by notlaz

For my Halloween article this year I thought I’d watch one of the most horrifying films series ever released. No, it’s not Halloween, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Scream, Saw or Harry Potter. (I have a long documented phobia of British children.)

It’s also not those boring-ass Paranormal Activity movies. Jump-scares are lazy and annoying, you classless hacks!

No, I speak of a far more sadistic and ball-shrivelingly scary film franchise; the Left Behind series.

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Left Behind is a popular Christian book series about an apocalyptic, near-extinction level event as prophesized in the Book of Revelations. “Rapture porn” if you will. Jesus comes back to Earth riding flaming unicorns or furbies or something. All the good Christians go to heaven and sniff their farts while getting to say “I told you so” to the non-believers they left behind… Oh snap, I just got the title!

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Ip Man: The Lost Art of Awesome Martial Arts Films

Posted in Action, Articles, Independent with tags , , , , , , , on August 13, 2011 by mducoing

While there are many that believe martial arts is itself a long lost, dying art, the craft of proper martial arts films is also a possible endangered species.  With Bruce Lee long gone, Jackie Chan mixed up in films that incorporate Kung Fu the way Dots are featured at movie theaters, and exaggerated martial arts films like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon becoming the norm, it is difficult to argue with this hypothesis.  While Crouching Tiger and its peers are fun in their own way, the nature of the martial arts film has transformed and largely lost its way from more original, classic martial arts bad-assery such as in Enter the Dragon.

The Ip Man films, however, bring audiences (and frankly, China) back to this Golden Age.  These films are both well constructed, well-acted and extremely entertaining films in the martial arts world.  They are both must-see films for those that love this genre, but further, must see films for all audiences interested in seeing good, entertaining movies.

Ip man

The first of the two films is a semi-biographical account of Yip Man, the first martial arts master to teach the Chinese martial art of Wing Chun who, as audiences will learn, was the teacher to Bruce Lee himself.  The film takes place in China just prior to World war II and feels like two segments.  There is Ip man and his family who are well-respected in the village, but are eventually confronted by wandering thugs who challenge the martial arts masters to prove that their form of martial arts is superior.  Ip Man must confront them and save the honor of his village and family and does so in an incredibly engaging and endearing way. 

The action sequences in this film are mesmerizing.  Audiences will never want them to stop and will always root for Ip Man, no matter the consequence or the foe. This is especially important as WWII looms and Japan conquers China, imposing awful rule upon the Chinese.  Evolving as the true, real-life Rocky in Wing Chun form, Ip Man’s courage and skill are matched against an even greater enemy in the monstrous Japanese Army. 

Wilson Yip’s direction led by Donnie Yen as Ip Man works on many levels, connecting emotionally in story as well as fight sequences which will captivate anyone’s attention.  While its one flaw might be its subliminal misogyny (women seem to be relegated to shadowy status or perpetually embittered scowls – a critique that does have some merit) this film is helped by being based on a true story. Overall, Ip man is a fantastically entertaining film.

 

Ip Man 2

Wilson Yip returns in the powerful sequel to the Yip man saga, now long after the Japanese defeat, an even greater threat looms: the British merchants.  Unlike the Japanese, or even the thugs, whose insidious actions were obvious, the British merchants exist under Free rule, and gain power through Capitalism, the invisible specter.  This is not a film about Capitalism, but about forces outside of one’s control, an enemy that wishes to dominate, but with different, less overt weapons.

Using a similar formula that worked so well in the first film, Yip pits Ip man first against his own fellow Martial Arts masters, demonstrating the disunity of the Chinese against this looming foe. The sequences where Ip man must prove his power to his peers is impressive and satisfying in most every way: we get fantastic martial arts moves with none of the sap, while still connecting us to the story.

Of course, soon it is realized that the greater foe is not one another, but the British machine, bent of humiliation and subjugation.  Using a very similar style to the later Rocky films (such as where Apollo is pummeled to death by Ivan Drago), here too we witness Ip Man’s great rival, but respected peer Master Hong Zhen Nan (Sammo Hung Kam-Bo) defeated by the monstrous boxer Twister (         Darren Shahlavi) in a scene that shocks and terrifies as much as it inspires outrage.  The war is on the very honor of the people, and once again Ip man must rise to defend the honor.

By this point audiences cannot escape, seduced by a very well-orchestrated plot and well-drawn characters executed perfectly.  The end of this film will leave audiences wanting more, the hallmark of any great martial arts film.

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