Archive for the Date Movies Category

The 2015 Bang, Marry, Kill Orgy: Rob Cohen, The Wachowski Siblings, George Miller, Tarsem Singh & J.J. Abrams.

Posted in Action, Action, Bang Marry Kill, Comedy, Comedy, Date Movies, Drama, Sci Fi/ Fantasy, Thriller, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 18, 2016 by notlaz

Bang_Marry_Kill_Logo

To answer your last question, yes, the Dutch eat farts.

I did it last year, so in the spirit of not having anything better to do, here’s the 2015 Bang, Marry, Kill wrap-up.

BB-8 approves

BB-8 approves!

What? I reviewed 5-ish directors in 2015 for movieMixology’s Bang, Marry, Kill series. Each right before they released new movies into theaters, in a crass attempt to piggy-back site clicks off their hard work. All while I nurtured my alcohol addiction and lazily threw out dick jokes.

The tortured artists: Rob Cohen, The Wachowski Siblings, George Miller, Tarsem Singh and J.J. Abrams.

Their 2015 masterpieces: The Boy Next Door, Jupiter Ascending, Mad Max: Fury Road, Self/less and Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens.

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The Top 10 Highest Grossing Movies of All Time (and why humanity is DOOMED because of them) Part 1

Posted in Action, Action, Animation, Children, Children, Comedy, Comedy, Date Movies, Drama, Horror, Horror Films with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 19, 2015 by notlaz

 

No need for a long-winded intro here. We’re looking at the top ten highest grossing movies of all time and examining all the horrifying things that they imply about human nature.

Adjusted for inflation, of course, because I’d rather toss a hobo’s salad than watch Transformers 3, Harry Potter 8 or Furious 7 from the unadjusted list.

  1. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

This scene isn’t nearly as sexy as it looks.

Source

The scene in the photo isn’t nearly as sexy as it looks.

Adjust gross revenue: $1,819,000,000

Historical context: Everything sucked in 1937. Shirley Temple was their Megan Fox, Errol Flynn was their Vin Deisel, Clark Gable was their George Clooney, and Jean Harlow was their YouPorn. You try spanking it to this and tell me you wouldn’t rather watch an Albino spaz wandering through the forest, shacking up with 7 mini Unabombers and singing to animals while they pooped on her instead?

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Date Movie Guide, 2014 (Part 2)

Posted in Articles, Comedy, Date Movies, Laz's View with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 4, 2014 by notlaz

Laz’s View

groinApparently you people like seeing me angry and/or emasculated, because Part 1 received several literary awards including a Nobel prize, a Pulitzer, and the Hans Christian Andersen Award for transgendered children’s literature. So for part 2 we’re going to examine the trailers for movies cleverly marketed as “movies with heart that guys can also enjoy” that are really just crappy date movies in disguise.

They’re getting better at it too! Sometimes you can’t even tell you’ve been suckered into a chick flick until your testicles are firmly locked in the purse beside you. I got through about 20 minutes of The Heat before I threw a beer bottle at my friend Lee’s TV and yelled at his wife Sarah for trying to trick us.

“But it’s funny!” she protested.

No, oh no, no, no… NO! Don’t misinterpret me; I’m not saying that women can’t be funny. In fact there was one genuinely funny scene in that movie where they interrogated Kaitlin Olson, who is one of the funniest people on the planet, male or female. Sadly Kaitlin is not the focus of the movie, but the poor man’s gender-bended version of Chris Farley and David Spade played by Melissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock.

But enough foreplay; let’s get to it.

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Date Movie Guide, 2014 (Part 1)

Posted in Articles, Comedy, Date Movies, Laz's View with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 4, 2014 by notlaz

Laz’s View

balls 2There’s a reason why the term “date movie” was coined. The Nuremberg trials started a precedent of hunting down perpetrators of crimes against humanity, and “date movie” was a term that created a loop-hole in international law. Women like to make their partners suffer dearly for the privilege of their company, and what more devious and agonizing way to dehumanize a man than to make him endure a Cameron Diaz movie.

This is not a new phenomenon. In the 60’s Audrey Hepburn’s dead eyes made men wonder if this heterosexuality thing was worth all the fedora maintenance. In the 90’s Julia Roberts tormented guys who just wanted a crack at a gal’s neon hammer-pants. In the 00’s Katherine Heigl gave birth to the Antichrist… I’m not talking about her movies. And this is not a trend that will end until there is a sexual revolution, or people decide to stop paying for sh$tty movies.

Honestly neither seems likely.

So we here at movieMixology have prepared a handy guide to help you navigate the terrifying line up of chick flicks that you poor suckers will be forced to endure in 2014. Let’s face it, even Matthew McConaughey will have to sit through at least a few mind numbing Nicolas Sparks adaptations, because that’s just how life works. Also, he’s made enough of the goddamn things that he deserves to suffer like the rest of us!

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