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The 2015 Bang, Marry, Kill Orgy: Rob Cohen, The Wachowski Siblings, George Miller, Tarsem Singh & J.J. Abrams.

Posted in Action, Action, Bang Marry Kill, Comedy, Comedy, Date Movies, Drama, Sci Fi/ Fantasy, Thriller, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 18, 2016 by notlaz

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To answer your last question, yes, the Dutch eat farts.

I did it last year, so in the spirit of not having anything better to do, here’s the 2015 Bang, Marry, Kill wrap-up.

BB-8 approves

BB-8 approves!

What? I reviewed 5-ish directors in 2015 for movieMixology’s Bang, Marry, Kill series. Each right before they released new movies into theaters, in a crass attempt to piggy-back site clicks off their hard work. All while I nurtured my alcohol addiction and lazily threw out dick jokes.

The tortured artists: Rob Cohen, The Wachowski Siblings, George Miller, Tarsem Singh and J.J. Abrams.

Their 2015 masterpieces: The Boy Next Door, Jupiter Ascending, Mad Max: Fury Road, Self/less and Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens.

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Bang, Marry, Kill: J.J. Abrams

Posted in Action, Action, Bang Marry Kill, Comedy, Comedy, Sci Fi/ Fantasy, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2015 by notlaz

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“Buy your tickets for Star Wars Episode 7 yet?”

“Nah, the prequels sucked, Laz.”

“That was different, man. J.J. Abrams is directing this one, not George Lucas. It’ll be good!”

“You sure? What was his last movie?” Continue reading

The Top 10 Highest Grossing Movies of all time (and why humanity is doomed because of them) Part 2

Posted in Uncategorized on November 23, 2015 by notlaz

I’m finally recovered from my trip to Las Vegas. And my editor only had to check on me twice to make sure I didn’t die, so I’d say it was a blazing success.

If you haven’t already, read Part 1 to see the #6-10 highest grossing movies of all time. Or don’t… and this adorable puppy will die!

It will be painful, and it will be on your head.

Don’t read anything sexual into this. He’s just watching me take a dump, you weirdos.

It will be painful, and it will be on your head…

Now onto part 2 of this dumb list!

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Bang, Marry, Kill: Tarsem Singh

Posted in Bang Marry Kill, Comedy, Comedy, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 10, 2015 by notlaz

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We’re deep into the summer movie season. Max’s have been mad, Avengers have assembled, and Chris Pratt had a topless, Top Gun-style volleyball montage with raptorsSo which director’s body of work should I be an immature jerk towards in a futile attempt to cope with my own crippling inability to accomplish anything of significance?

There’s lot’s of big movies left to choose from, so instead let’s look at the really obscure director that no one’s heard of because he keeps changing his damn name with every movie he releases.

It’s like click-bait reverse psychology. By practically daring you not to click the link, you’ll click it so fast that the server room (aka Maurice’s porn dungeon) will explode and release the souls of all those 1920’s bootleggers buried in his basement.

Subject: Tarsem Singh

Source

Occupation(s): Director. Guy who always has that smirk when you cut a silent fart in a crowded elevator.

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Bang, Marry, Kill: The Wachowski Siblings

Posted in Action, Articles, Bang Marry Kill, Comedy, Laz's View, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 6, 2015 by notlaz

 

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Hey, the Wachowski Brothers Siblings have a movie coming out this week… Click the article. Do it. Click it. Click it. Click it!

Click Me!

Subject(s): The Wachowski Siblings

We look like the villains in our own movies!

We look like the villains in our own movies.

Source

Birth dates: One on the same day as Chinese Astronaut, Yang Liwei. The other during Star Trek’s “Trouble with Tribbles” episode (which inspired some of Orci & Kurtzman’s biggest unintentional laughs).

Hometown: They grew up in the same mean streets that created some of history’s greatest monsters: Al Capone, John Wayne Gacy, Richard Speck, and Jenny McCarthy.

Occupations: Former Jay & Silent Bob cosplayers. Current Eastern European rave-club owners. Directors.

Best known for: The Matrix

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Halloween Horror wHo0o0or-ticle: Left Behind

Posted in Action, Articles, Comedy, Laz's View, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on October 29, 2014 by notlaz

For my Halloween article this year I thought I’d watch one of the most horrifying films series ever released. No, it’s not Halloween, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Scream, Saw or Harry Potter. (I have a long documented phobia of British children.)

It’s also not those boring-ass Paranormal Activity movies. Jump-scares are lazy and annoying, you classless hacks!

No, I speak of a far more sadistic and ball-shrivelingly scary film franchise; the Left Behind series.

LB1

Left Behind is a popular Christian book series about an apocalyptic, near-extinction level event as prophesized in the Book of Revelations. “Rapture porn” if you will. Jesus comes back to Earth riding flaming unicorns or furbies or something. All the good Christians go to heaven and sniff their farts while getting to say “I told you so” to the non-believers they left behind… Oh snap, I just got the title!

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Top 7 Bad-Ass Female Characters

Posted in Action, Articles, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 25, 2011 by mducoing

Seven is the mythical number of perfection and so it is only fitting that this is the number of Characters selected for the honor of “Bad-Ass” Female Characters.  Listed below are seven of the most influential action-oriented female characters in film over the past half Century.  Each character must be notable for her action scenes, dramatic composure under pressure, ability to inspire and lead others either through courage or fear, and exhibit independence as a woman.

It is important to note that while the actress is often inextricably linked to the Character she plays, the highlight here is first for the Character herself.

 

 The Seven Most Bad-Ass Female Characters

 

Ellen Ripley (Alien Series) – Sigourney Weaver

For nearly twenty years, Ellen Ripley has reigned as one of the most formidable female power houses in film.  Debuting in 1979’s Alien, Ripley became a perfect model for power, as she battled the horror that destroyed her crew.  Ripley evolved as a character over the course of the films, becoming not only a strong female lead for the burgeoning Sigourney Weaver, but a legend in Science Fiction film as a woman capable of rivaling male contemporaries for sheer demonstrable awesomeness.  Her battle with the Alien Queen in the final moments of Aliens still polls as one of the most memorable action scenes in film history; or perhaps most quoted, as Ripley attacked the Queen with the immortal words, “Get away from her you bitch!” as audiences cheered uncontrollably.

In her next two films, Alien3 and Alien Resurrection, Ripley continued to grow as a character, defying all expectations as the central heroine.  Stopping at nothing, Ripley not only (spoiler alert!) destroyed herself to defeat the evil Alien Queen growing inside her and prevent The Company from taking it for their own sinister purposes, she also managed to resurrect as a clone hybrid of both herself and the Queen she had destroyed in previous film.  While the latter two films were the weaker in the series, the evolution of the character as a can-do-no-wrong badass is one of the most remarkable in film history.  While the Alien may have been the rightful Queen, Ellen Ripley reigns supreme among contemporaries.

Awards and Nominations:

This role garnered 8 nominations including an Academy Award Nomination for best Actress in Aliens. While Weaver only took home the Saturn Award for Best Actress (1986), the number and caliber of nominations itself is impressive for a role in Science Fiction, previously not considered a core film market. Specifically, Weaver as Ripley landed One Oscar nomination, one Golden Globe nomination, 4 Saturn Award nominations (including her 1986 win), one BAFTA nomination and a Blockbuster Entertainment award nomination.

 

Sarah Connor (Terminator/ T2) – Linda Hamilton

While Weaver’s Ripley may sit atop this list, it was certainly a tough call when compared with Linda Hamilton’s Sarah Connor (while there was a series based on Sarah Connor, the focus here is the film Character.) Like Ripley, Connor was faced with a seemingly invincible foe: the Terminator machines.  These robotic monsters destroyed everything in their path, except of course, for Connor, who managed to evolve into a machine of her own, not only escaping the threat, but serving as a formidable menace herself.

In the first film, Terminator, Sarah Connor evolves from woman into bad-ass super hero, able to eventually conquer and destroy the classic Terminator (then played by Arnold Schwarzenegger – who frankly looks scary as a human!) However, her evolution is complete in the second film, T2: Judgment Day, rivaling Aliens as one of the all-time best science fiction films. Here, she has become, even locked away in a padded cell, one of the most intimidating action personas in film, managing to escape from her cell and elude guards with cunning and raw power, all while never crumpling her pjs. Ever the matriarch, she manages a mixture of raw emotional power, vulnerability and cunning to generate one of the most impressive roles.  You believe her horror and her pain, giving up her life to save her son and the world.

Awards and Nominations:

Unlike Weaver, Hamilton was never recognized for this role (she was for other characters) in any major award categories, but did manage to garner 4 nominations and three wins: while only nominated for the 1985 Saturn Award for Best Actress for Terminator, she won the same award 7 years later for T2: Judgment Day and also managed to score the1992 MTV Movie Award Best Female Performance for: T 2: Judgment Day (1991) and Most Desirable Female.

 

The Bride (Kill Bill Vol. 1 and 2) – Uma Thurmon

Unlike both Ripley and Connor, both of whom are as much heroes as victims on screen, Uma Thurman’s “The Bride” in the Kill Bill series is very much the master of her fate, choosing to take revenge on her enemies for a wrong done before. Hers is a future of calculated misery exacted on her unsuspecting prey, the band of monstrous female assassins she must destroy so that she can finally “Kill Bill.”

Played somewhat like a video game where villains are constructed and deconstructed by her clever maneuvers and laser-like precision, The Bride manages to evolve on screen as an unstoppable force herself, a killing machine every bit as ruthless and determined as the forces that conspire against her. Her battles against villains Elle Driver (Daryl Hannah), Gogo Yubari (Chiaki Kuriyama), and O-Ren Ishii (Lucy Liu) are every bit as momentous as they are disturbing. Director Tarantino also manages to weave in a story that gives her even more personal strength as her motivation for her onslaught is somehow justified, and her audiences watch willingly, tacitly supportive of her monstrous acts.

Awards and Nominations:

Thurman’s The Bride was nominated 6 times overall including back to back Golden Globes in 2004 and 2005 for Volume 1 and 2. She did manage to win the Saturn Award for Best Actress for Kill Bill: Vol. 1 in 2004) and receive further nominations for the Saturn Award for Best Actress for Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (2005), a BAFTA Film Award (2004), and a Critics Choice Award (2005).

 

Alice (Resident Evil Series) – Milla Jovovich

Much like The Bride who awakens to a nightmare she cannot recall, Milla Jovovich’s Alice finds herself in the center of a horrific conspiracy that pits her against zombies, mutants and the uber-evil Umbrella Corporation.  While timid and confused at first perhaps, Alice evolves into one of the most astonishing killing machines in all of Science Fiction.

Alice’s evolution over the course of the films rests not only on metaphors but on actual mutation as she becomes part of the experiment that is claiming the Earth.  By the time we reach the latter films, Alice is not only able to physically engage her enemies with an endless arsenal of kick-ass moves, but she has telekinetic powers so intense it could only have been imagined by J.K. Rowling. In one scene she even manages to stunningly engulf a vast murder of infected crows with a conjured wall of flames. There is no scene where audiences do not root for her and where she does not deliver.

Awards and Nominations

While it is apparent that Jovovich is far better acknowledged for her work in The Fifth Element, her Alice was able to garner a 2003 Saturn Award Nomination for Best Actress.

 

 Selene (Underworld Series) – Kate Beckinsale

Beckinsale’s Selene in the Underworld series (specifically Underworld and Underworld: Evolution) is one of the most elegant killing machines in recent film. Unlike The Bride or Alice, Selene, the graceful and powerful vampire warrior believes that she understands the world around her.  She recognizes the need to contain and destroy the Lycans, the historical arch-enemy of Vampires, and she does so with amazing skill.  She brandishes an endless arsenal of weapons, an impressive repertoire of combat moves a la Jackie Chan, and an imposing sense of will that immediately commands attention.  It should also be noted that she is the only non-human character considered on this list, and as a vampire, Selene brings not only a sense of terror but beauty that is common to all heroines.

Of course, her true test is when her world begins to crumble as the truth of her history – as well as the lies told about the war between the Lycan and Vampire- come to “light.”  Selene evolves from simply a powerful vampire in the first film into an unstoppable queen as she continues to protect her lover Michael Corvin from the true menace.  Due to Corvinus’s sacrifice in the second film, Underworld: Evolution, Selene becomes a more powerful vampire than ever before, enabling her to fight the true horror.

Awards and Nominations

Selene in Underworld posted one serious nomination in 2004 for the Saturn Best Actress award.  In addition, Beckinsale hit pay-dirt in the teenie-bopper demographic as Selene with a 2006 nomination for the Best Actress MTV Movie Award for Underworld: Evolution and then a Teen Choice Award (2004) nomination for Underworld (shared with Van Helsing; yes, really).

 

Cherry Darling (Grindhouse– Planet Terror) – Rose McGowan

While Rose McGowan may best be known for her villainous turn in Jawbreaker (1999) or on the TV series Charmed, she ought to receive praise for her completely bad-ass performance as Cherry Darling, the shotgun/peg-legged stripper at mortal war with zombies in Grindhouse – Planet Terror.  In Robert Rodriguez’s mortifying portrayal of a zombie-ridden apocalypse, he raises atop a metaphorical bad-ass pedestal a creation like none-other.

Cherry has her leg amputated after a horrific zombie assault and manages to escape with her life.  However, the amputation serves as a blessing in disguise.  In a completely over-the-top acrotomphiliac move, Rodriquez allows Darling to use her amputated stump as a Mr. Potato Head of unstoppable weaponry.  Once the machine tgun becomes her limb, even the zombies have nowhere to hide.  I could say more, but I think special kudos must be given to a woman who not only survives a zombie attack, but has her amputation stump become a gun.  That is, in fact, bad-ass.

Awards and Nominations

Unfortunately, Cherry may have been the darling of zombie fans, but the same cannot be said for awards.  McGowan as Cherry Darling managed only one nomination, Saturn Award for Best Supporting Actress (2008) for Grindhouse.

 

Hit-Girl (Kick-Ass) – Chloë Moretz

In some ways perhaps the most controversial of all the nominees, Mindy Macready is really only a child, and an adorable one at that.  That is, of course, until she transforms into Hit-Girl, the ruthless, unstoppable, foul-mouthed standout of the 2010 film.  Moretz elicited much controversy due mainly to her toilet-mouth, spewing swearwords that even today’s liberal audiences found somewhat uncomfortable.  Of course, that was merely part of her charm.

Hit-Girl is unstoppable; as a human weapon basically raised as a vehicle of vengeance by her father Damon Macready / “Big Daddy” (Nicholas Cage), and has more moves than Bruce Lee and more sass than a Drag Queen float at NY Pride.  It is this magnetism that makes Hit-Girl stand-out, and shock as we consider what she will be like when she grows up!  Look out Ripley!

Awards and Nominations

For her role as Hit-Girl, Moretz was certainly rewarded winning several minor Film Festival awards including Austin and Ohio. At the MTV Movie Awards (2010), she won the Best Breakout Star MTV Movie Award and was nominated for Best Fight. In addition, she won the 2010 PFCS Award for Best Breakout Performance and was nominated for Best Actress in a Supporting Role as Hit-Girl.   She also scored a nomination from her fellow “kids” at the 2010 Teen Choice Awards for Breakout Female (2010).

 

Honorable Mention

Trinity (The Matrix) – Carrie-Anne Moss

The diva and love interest to Neo in the Matrix series, Moss portrayed a powerful woman essential to the rise of the Chosen One. Her bad-ass moves and independence actually decline over the course of the series as she becomes much more of a worshipper at Neo’s altar.  However, her moves in the first film alone (arguably the only good film of the three) warrant a special place on this list.

Leeloo (The Fifth Element) Milla Jovovich

The list would be far from complete without a reference to the breakout star of The Fifth Element, a Bruce Willis vehicle that saw his vulnerable and unstoppable co-star Milla Jovovich as Leeloo.  She is ethereal and deadly in a crunch, but ultimately, as a character, there is too much destiny and dependence on Willis to launch her into the top of the list.  Memorable nevertheless, even more so as Jovovich is the only actress to register twice.

River (Serenity) – Summer Glau

Glau reprises her role as River Tam from the classic, if short-lived, Joss Whedon series, Firefly. Serenity is the film version of the series and River is as bad-ass as ever.  Here, perhaps, she is even more powerful than in the series, given a focused story-arc and a road to somewhere, fast.  Unfortunately, like Leeloo, this character is led by forces largely out of her control, namely the images and the programmed actions in her mind, therefore not exactly uplifting in the independence category of consideration. Although the film went nowhere at the Box Office, Serenity and River tam, have a special place in film history.

 

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