Immortals: Thankfully, at least the Movie Had an End!

From time to time a film comes along, modest and unassuming that manages to excite, entertain and ultimately move its audience; the type of genuine film that surprises observers and brings back hope that future films may succeed in similar ways.

Immortals does none of these things.  Instead, audiences can expect this film to rob them of at least the two hour length of the film (and possibly up to years of their lives), the money they paid earnestly, and some self-respect.  In fact, the film might best be broken down in this way:

Reason to see Immortals:

1. Stunningly attractive people everywhere
2. 1-2 minor fight sequences

Reason not to see Immortals:

1. Every other reason

Premise: Theseus is chosen by Zeus to lead the fight against the ruthless King Hyperion, who is on a rampage across Greece to release the Titans and destroy humanity. Result: An often incoherent cliché-fest that is almost as boring as it is ridiculous.

There is surprisingly little that goes right in this film.  While it was heavily touted as coming from the Producers of 300, this is shockingly misleading.  The two share some qualities, like they both take place in Greece-ish, they are both films, they both have a start and end.  However, any further analysis will likely compare the two films like Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger in the classic film Twins – I will let you figure out which is which.

Ultimately, it is unclear what Director Tarsem Singh (The Fall, The Cell) or writers Charley Parlapanides and Vlas Parlapanides were thinking, their strategy as obscured as a darkened prison deep in the Earth (coincidentally, where most audiences will feel they were sent for at least 109/110 minutes of the film.) The story, based on Theseus, is completely manufactured by the film’s creative team and goes absolutely nowhere. 

While there is certainly a plot, namely that King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) wishes to free the Titans, long imprisoned, in an effort to punish the Gods for not saving his wife and children from some plague (snooze), it is desperately cliché.  Further, it is Theseus (Henry Cavill) -a random commoner with the favor of Zeus (for no real reason) who has certain powers such as being an unstoppable fighting machine and having cheese-grating worthy abs – who is responsible for stopping him.

As this central plot progresses, audiences will be assaulted with every discernable Direction error known to man.  While the cinematography is familiar, here it comes off as cheap rather than stunning.  There are many scenes that allow the camera to capture vast expanses with subtle uses of shadows and light that are meant to strike awe, but instead look painfully staged (it might only have gotten worse if the actors actually posed for the camera, which I actually think  Kellan Lutz as Poseiden did once or twice.)

Things literally just seem to happen on screen, like cinematic chaos.  Hyperion essentially destroys most of Greece in search of a magic bow capable of releasing the Titans while the gods watch (Zeus has faith in Theseus and so no gods may help him.) Hyperion is drawn as a caricature of evil, torturing everyone in his path with castration via hammer or an iron bull that cooks them alive.  As he destroys the land he massacres all, including Thesus’ mother, evoking a familiar blood-thirsty revenge.

Hyperion captures Theseus and enslaves him, forcing him to work in the salt mines where he is conveniently imprisoned with the Virgin Oracles, the most important of which is Phaedra (Freida Pinto), who also conveniently trips over Theseus (literally) and knows he is “special.”  Filmed on what appears to be a room shared with the CBS show Big Brother, the gorgeous bodies are literally lounging around everywhere by a crystal clear pool like a Calvin Klein ad gone terribly (and somehow wonderfully) wrong.  Here, also, we are introduced to Stavros (Stephen Dorff), the thief who acts as our comic relief (assuming comic here means “unfunny”) and ultimately helps hatch the plot which has them escape. 

Ultimately, the film meanders further and all the obvious tick-boxes are checked in short order: bow is found (check), anti-climactic minotaur-like man fight scene (check), sex scene (check), awful Braveheart-esque speech (check), epic battle sequences (check.)  While admittedly, the final fight sequences were entertaining (especially the battles between the Titans and gods), it is much too little too late, and the final scenes play out in a severe, anti-climactic spiral.

What may be the most devastating blow to this film is the dialogue and its subsequent affect on the acting.  While Cavill, Rourke, Pinto and John Hurt are passable in their roles, the script does them no favors: Rourke, in particular, is completely misused – rather than allow him to create terror through the silent brooding he has perfected, he is found pontificating at every turn, filling the awkward silences with speech after pointless speech ad nauseum. 

Dorff, for his part, is strangled by his hackneyed lines and unnecessary role, coming off like a confused side-kick (but fortunately, still easy on the eyes.)  Luke Evans as Zeus is disappointing but mainly because his actions make little to no sense, distracting from his talent. The rest, however, are dreadful, coming off as a painful elementary school Thanksgiving Day pageant.

Ultimately, Immortals is a very poor film, struggling to keep coherence, and plugging up the plot holes with beautiful bodies and some inconsistently attractive visuals.  Ehile no one can deny hot people being hot is a wonderful, wonderful thing, this film is best left for a rainy afternoon hangover, where observers might just believe it is their physical pain, and not the film, that has thrust them in and out of consciousness.

Rating: 3 – Mad Dog 20/20, Government Cheese, and a waste basket for afterwards