Bang, Marry, Kill: Rob Cohen

Bang_Marry_Kill_LogoAfter BMKing Paul Thomas Anderson, I needed a break from watching good movies. All this compelling storytelling, complex characters and creative visuals was getting to be too much.

I almost stopped lighting my farts long enough to read a book for Christ’s sake!

Luckily it’s January, when studios dump out all the garbage that’s too embarrassing to release the rest of the year. But who should I chose? Michael Mann’s movies are 90% inhaling farts, 10% monkey with machine guns and a GoPro. David Koepp’s deal with Satan was exclusively to create visual sedatives. And Olivier Megaton is a French midget with a stupid name. Not a lot of options…

Wait, who’s the guy they call when Michael Bay is too subtle? When Brett Ratner is too story driven? When Joel Schumacher just isn’t gay enough?

I know!

Subject: Rob Cohen

rob

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Occupation(s): Mr. Clean impersonator. Director.

Fun fact: When the Nazi’s opened the Ark of the Covenant their faces weren’t melted off by supernatural forces, they were melted off by Stealth. Shut your eyes, Marion. Don’t look!

Boy blechNext movie: The Boy Next Door (January 2015)

About: By directing The Fast and the Furious, Rob Cohen is primarily responsible for the careers of Paul Walker and Vin Diesel. Therefore a direct correlation between Rob Cohen and the reason women masturbated in 2001.

I keep confusing him with Rob Bowman because they’re both Robs on a quest to make dragons as lame as possible. The difference being that they don’t allow Rob Bowman to make movies anymore after Elektra.

There are a few reoccurring themes in Rob Cohen movies:

  1. Rampant homoeroticism.
  2. Cringe inducing dialogue.
  3. Unintentional audience laughter.

Honestly, I don’t feel like wasting more time researching Rob Cohen other than to confirm that he’s not Rob Bowman, so let’s get into this!

For new readers, the stupid gimmick of the BMK series is based on a game that bored drunks love to play; Bang, Marry or Kill. Some of these women/movies I’ve actually encountered in real life. Some of them are Jordana Brewster, whom I have tragically never encountered. I make poor choices…

Bang: The movie will do, but it had better not ask to spend the night after it’s over. The movie can call itself a damn cab.

Marry: You’d commit yourself to spending the rest of your life with this movie, forsaking all other movies (or at least not telling her about the younger movies you’re watching on the side).

Kill: The movie is the artistic equivalent of a post shift, clammy handy-jay from a Walmart greeter.

A Small Circle of Friends (1980)

The first bromance movie, before they realized that those only work as comedies and not romantic dramas set during campus political uprisings.

Still the least homoerotic movie on this list.

Still the least homoerotic movie on this list.

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Premise: Let’s tell an interesting story about how times of social revolution can warp a wide-eyed, idealistic student into a domestic terrorist… but make it a minor sub-plot.

Really focus on the slow development of a boring-ass love triangle as the main story!

Rampant homoeroticism: Two buddies have a falling out. One of them says it felt like they got divorced while stroking the other’s little white mouse.

They later have a MMF threesome and polyamorous relationship with Karen Allen. But she’s there more as a formality, like mayonnaise in a hoagie.

Cringe inducing dialogue: Most of the dialogue is just people sniffing their own farts, except for one great line: “Better to be an ass than a half-ass.”

Unintentional laughs: Movies are expensive, so sometimes you need to get creative with your budget. Instead of buying a nice fake beard to make your actor look older, you can just glue a bunch of cotton balls to his stupid face.

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is the equivalent of that mysterious gal rockin’ the librarian look that you meet at the coffee shop. She seems fun and just the right amount of damaged. But out of nowhere her husband shows up and they offer to bring you back to their place so he can blow you while she watches and plays with herself.

You politely decline by spilling your coffee on his crotch. Kill.

Scandalous (1984)

I clicked on too many false links to this damn movie. Long story short, I’m still waiting on a check from a Nigerian Prince that will be so large I’ll never have to write one of these dumb reviews again!

Have fun staying poor, suckers.

Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story (1993)

The guy who played Bruce Lee. Seen here holding a hoverboard in a much better movie.

The guy who played Bruce Lee. Seen here holding a hoverboard in a much better movie.

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Premise: The true story of how people tried to murder Bruce Lee with knives every single day of his entire life.

Rampant homoeroticism: Jason Scott Lee spends the entire movie lubed up and shirtless in tighty whiteys.

Cringe inducing dialogue:All these years later, people still wonder about how he died. I prefer to remember how he lived.”

Unintentional laughs: After fifteen minutes I embraced the cheese and just pretended that Bruce Lee was Bruce Wayne in a campy 1960’s version of Batman Begins.

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is that half Chinese/half white girl that calls herself a “day walker” and makes you laugh by telling extremely racists jokes about her heritage.

How can you not? Bang.

Side note: Bruce Lee’s daughter, Shannon Lee was at Kristen Kreuk/Olivia Munn level of half Chinese/half white/all hot back in tha day.

Dragonheart (1996)

Robs hate Dragons… and character development.

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Premise: Sean Connery needs money.

Rampant homoeroticism:Can you get your buttocks off my tongue?

Cringe inducing dialogue: Pete Postlethwaite was a phenomenal actor with many performances worthy of high praise during his career. This was not one of them. I stabbed my laptop with a fork every time he spoke.

Unintentional laughs: Does the whole movie count?

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is that cute girl who’s adorably quirky, but seems relatively normal. Then you find out that she’s a LARPer who spends every weekend running around the forest with a bunch of tubby dorks in bathrobes, slaying imaginary warlocks with rubber swords.

Sure they’re getting fresh air and using their imaginations, but that’s somehow sadder than playing World of Warcraft in a dank room, covered in Cheeto dust. Kill.

Daylight (1996)

“Just the tip!”

“Just the tip!”

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Premise: Gene Hackman Sylvester Stallone leads an interesting annoying group of survivors as they overcome obstacles bitch constantly, and try to escape from the overturned ship, Poseidon a blowed-ed up underwater tunnel.

Rampant homoeroticism: Stallone jams a large phallic tube down a crippled man’s throat to “help him breath”.

Cringe inducing dialogue:Get them back to daylight.”

Unintentional laughs: Stallone’s character name is “Kit”. The entire movie I thought people were calling a 72 year old action star “kid”.

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is the equivalent of that girl you keep seeing updates for on Facebook. She’s constantly cracking out witty jokes and clever sayings at a pace that makes you wonder why she’s not a stand up comedienne. Then you see one that’s a little too familiar and it hits you; she’s not actually funny or smart, she’s just ripping off real comedians.

It’s like watching a Melissa McCarthy movie. Kill.

The Skulls (2000)

Joshua Jackson is a muggle who befriends Paul Walker at a magical school for wizards.

This got two sequels. Dredd fans let this fact sink in.

This got two sequels. Dredd fans let this fact sink in.

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Premise: Do you believe there’s an elite group of puppet-masters controlling the world from behind the scenes?

No? Then how else do you explain this crappy movie being released in theaters instead of direct-to-DVD, huh?

Wake up and smell the GMO chem-trails, sheeple!

Rampant homoeroticism: Paul Walker and the token black guy have a kissing contest to decide who gets Joshua Jackson.

Cringe inducing dialogue: “A friend once told me that if it’s secret and elite, it can’t be good.”

Unintentional laughs: “So Caleb, what are your plans?”

“I’m just treading water. Waiting to see what happens.”

“Then your arms must be getting tired.”

“They are dad, because you keep throwing me toward the deep end of the pool!”

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is the equivalent of that fat, gossipy sorority girl who finds out that you had sex with one of her sisters and uses that to slut-shame her within the group.

To those who accuse my BMK reviews as slut-shaming, they’ve completely missed the point. Slut-shaming is deplorable, cowardly and one of the cruelest things that anyone could do to a woman.

It’s almost as bad as cutting me off from sex because of it!

Also, maybe don’t tell other women if you want to keep anything a secret. KILL!

The Fast and the Furious (2001)

When historians look back on the evolution of douchebag culture, The Fast and the Furious will be their 9/11.

“Wooden performance? I’ll show YOU a wooden performance!”

“Wooden performance? I’ll show YOU a wooden performance!”

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Premise: Keanu Reeves Paul Walker is an undercover FBI agent cop infiltrating Patrick Swayze’s Vin Diesel’s group of surfer street-racing, thieves.

Rampant homoeroticism: The relationship between Vin Diesel, Paul Walker and the guy from Blade II had more sexual tension than Brokeback Mountain.

Cringe inducing dialogue:If you want time, buy the magazine!

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is the equivalent of Jordana Brewster. She’s so pretty, she could be spraying sriracha in my face and I wouldn’t be able to look away. Bang.

xXx (2002)

Fun fact: “Vin Diesel, xXx” is the most NSFW thing you can Google image search, EVER!

Fun fact: “Vin Diesel, xXx” is the most NSFW thing you can Google image search, EVER!

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Premise: What if James Bond had down syndrome?

Rampant homoeroticism: Three men in bondage subdue a shirtless Danny Trejo by wrapping their legs around him in a sexy barnyard romp.

Cringe inducing dialogue:Welcome to the Xander Zone!

Unintentional laughs: Vin Diesel criticizes the performances of actors in a diner scene.

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is that smoking hot Russian girl you canoodled with for a brief period before she met her new husband and rudely stopped having sex with you.

Sure she’s a divorced, former mail-order bride. (Buyer beware, there’s no money-back guarantee when you’re purchasing people!)

Sure she doesn’t believe in dinosaurs.* (Yes, you read that correctly. She. Doesn’t. Believe. In. F###ing. Dinosaurs!)

Sure she isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. In fact, there’s sharper spoons in the drawer. But one look at her and even the most uptight, man hating, femi-nazi in the world wouldn’t question why some dude paid tens of thousands of dollars to ship her across the globe. Bang.

*Update. She finally went to a dinosaur museum. However despite all that evidence, she’s still unsure dinosaurs actually existed. Luckily she teaches preschool children for a living, so the future is in good hands.

Also, I think she’s divorced again. I wonder if I still have her number…?

Stealth (2005)

More pointless villains than The Amazing Spiderman 2. Just like in that movie, Jamie Fox has a really stupid death scene.

How do you make a movie less realistic than THIS?

How do you make a movie less realistic than THIS?

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Premise: What if Johnny 5 from Short Circuit was a fighter jet?!

*Pew pew pew*

Rampant homoeroticism: The robot’s brain is a dildo with LED’s glued to it.

Cringe inducing dialogue: If they replaced all the dialogue with fart noises, it would have made more sense.

Try watching this movie without yelling at the screen. I bet you $5 you’ll shit blood if you do.

Unintentional laughs: Josh Lucas flew from the Indian Ocean to Pakistan to Russia to Alaska to North Korea in the span of 13 minutes.

Jessica Biel takes a sniper bullet to the shoulder. Instead of ripping her arm off, it gives her the ability to outrun German Sheppards and helicopters.

Bang, Marry or Kill? Let me tell you a story about a stunning young woman. Let’s call her “Jaime”.

Jaime is the best friend of “Celine,” that you used to hang out with (before Celine became Memento in the Christopher Nolan review and you severed contact). For Celine’s birthday you promise to take her out for drinks to help her get over a bad breakup (her boyfriend cheated on her, gave her chlamydia, punched her in the face and pulled a knife on her). She invites her friend Jaime out to DD for her. Once there, Jaime proceeds to get shitfaced and leave the group to hit on a guy with neck tattoos. She also skips out on the tab.

Later Celine’s newly ex-boyfriend texts Jaime dick pics and offers her cocaine to have sex with him. When you point out to her that this may be a slightly insensitive thing to do to her heartbroken BFF on her birthday, she stares at you blankly for an uncomfortably long period of time (like a chimp attempting algebra) and declares “but he’s hot.”

After you tell her that she’s the worst person you’ve ever met, she slurs “you don’t know me” and drunk drives to have sex with her best friend’s stabby, chlamydia-y, parolee ex-boyfriend for coke.

This movie is the artistic equivalent of “Jaime”. Kill.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008)

Despite all the terrible sequels and spin-offs, they really wanted to punish you just once more for enjoying The Mummy (1999).

Jet Li turning into a three-headed Dragon isn’t even close to the silliest part of this movie.

Jet Li turning into a three-headed Dragon is the most artistic part of this dumb movie.

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Premise: How do we make The Scorpion King look good in comparison?

Rampant homoeroticism: Brendan Fraser (BF) is stabbed by another man as an excuse to get shirtless. BF and son make bad wiener jokes while comparing their guns. BF spanking another man. BF and son double team Jet Li and pierce him from both ends at the same time with their metaphorical dongs.

Their tips touch inside him… Sexxxy!

Cringe inducing dialogue:My ass is on fire. My ass is on fire! Spank my ass. Spank my ass!

Unintentional laughs: Yeti deus ex machina. Maria Bello’s English accent. Brendan Fraser.

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is the equivalent of… something lazy. Look, nobody involved with this movie put in any effort, so why should I? Kill.

Alex Cross (2012)

I’m not sure it’s possible to make a movie dumber than Stealth, but they tried their best and that’s all that Jesus and Tyler Perry ask of you.

More believable than Alex Cross.

More believable than Alex Cross.

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Premise: Do you think we can fit every bad cop movie cliché into one film?

Rampant homoeroticism: Every female in this movie besides the Grandma and the little girl is tortured and killed by a man who has more interest in MMA than sex with women.

And as a final suck it to the audience, they take Tyler Perry’s shirt off but keep Rachel Nichols’ shirt on the entire time!

Cringe inducing dialogue:What do you think, we can fool him? This is a guy who can tell you had scrambled eggs for breakfast at a hundred yards.

Unintentional laughs: They take the time to establish that Matthew Fox is such a badass that he can easily cripple underground fighting champions and casually kill several armed guards with no problem. Yet he gets his ass handed to him in a fist fight against doughy, muscle-less Tyler Perry.

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is the holistic nutritionist who thinks she’s a doctor, even though her “alternative med school” research consisted of rubbing plastic gems on her forehead while writing bad poetry and eating wheatgrass.

Nothing is more infuriating than being talked down to by a complete moron, and this movie is the artistic equivalent. Kill!

 

So that was another BMK first. A director with zero Marries in his entire filmography. Not even the Farrelly Brothers have a record that bad!

I pity the poor suckers that get dragged to see The Boy Next Door on date night. Keeping up with another Rob Cohen theme, it appears to be a complete rip-off of several other movies.

Maybe I’m being too negative? After all, Jennifer Lopez has a long history of choosing quality films.

I’m sure it’ll be fine.

4 Responses to “Bang, Marry, Kill: Rob Cohen”

  1. […] Marry or Kill? Remember “Celine” from the Christopher Nolan and Rob Cohen BMK’s? There are many, many reasons why you don’t hang out with Celine anymore. One of them is […]

  2. […] is worth a one-nighter. But with George Miller, there really are no terrible movies, like with say, Rob Cohen or the Farrelly brothers who make almost exclusively terrible movies. So when I say Kill, the movie […]

  3. […] for things that made no sense. With some of the directors I’ve looked at on this site, the apologies would be longer than the […]

  4. […] tortured artists: Rob Cohen, The Wachowski Siblings, George Miller, Tarsem Singh and J.J. […]

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