The Top 10 Highest Grossing Movies of all time (and why humanity is doomed because of them) Part 2

I’m finally recovered from my trip to Las Vegas. And my editor only had to check on me twice to make sure I didn’t die, so I’d say it was a blazing success.

If you haven’t already, read Part 1 to see the #6-10 highest grossing movies of all time. Or don’t… and this adorable puppy will die!

Don’t read anything sexual into this. He’s just watching me take a dump, you weirdos.

It will be painful, and it will be on your head…

Now onto part 2 of this dumb list!

5. The Sound of Music (1965)

In the 30’s, children learned social skills by going to parties and watching the adults get into drunken love triangles.

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Adjust gross revenue: $2,366,000,000

Historical context: From a director with a more impressive filmography than your mom paying her way through college, comes a fairly paint-by-numbers love story that we’ve seen a million times before.

You know the formula. Nun girl meets widowed-Austro-Hungarian-navy-submarine-Captain boy. Girl meets boy’s seven children and Baroness fiancé. Girl and boy fall in love. Girl and boy flee Nazi occupied Austria via wacky shenanigans.

It’s like, deviate from the formula once and a while, Hollywood. Jeez…

Sex appeal: Julie Andrews and Eleanor Parker are handsome women, but rocked nothing but lesbian-grandmother haircuts this whole movie. That leaves the distracting Charmain Carr, who made me feel like a dirty old pervert until I confirmed that yes, she was in her 20’s at the time of filming and not 16 like her character. Either way she’s 40 years older than me, so I’m claiming moral victory on this one.

Fun story about a girl I know who looks like Charmain Carr. A few years ago she started gold-digging one of the execs at her company, and she posted a photo of the two of them together on Facebook. Like the adorable rascal I am, I wrote “aw, that’s a cute photo of you and your dad”. He responded by forbidding her from ever talking to me again, heavily monitoring all her social media, emails and texts, and has been stalking me on LinkedIn ever since.

Truly, love conquers all… Maybe I should ask him for an endorsement?

Sex appeal… for the ladies!: Christopher Plummer, who you know as “that creepy old guy who looks evil and will definitely turn out to be the bad guy” in every movie you’ve ever seen, was to my surprise, the devastatingly handsome male lead. Add him to your spank-bank, ladies, he was the Michael Fassbender of his day. Or if you love dudes in sexy Hugo Boss uniforms, this movie has you covered.

Haha, Nazi joke. Subtly is a dead art and I hate myself… Kill me!

Does it hold up? Unless it’s from the South Park guys, I don’t have the attention span for musicals on a good day. And this thing is almost 3 goddamn hours long! But as far as “watch this with me and I’ll stop nagging you for forgetting to pick my parents up from the airport” movies, you could do much, much worse. Plus you’ll finally understand some of the weird musical numbers that Seth McFarland keeps awkwardly jamming into Family Guy episodes.

Is humanity doomed? It’s, it’s fine… There is waaay more painful, and bafflingly, longer movies on this list! The worse that will happen is you’ll sound more impressive to the pretentious, hipster girl who orders wine in pubs. And if you can disarm this annoying mother hen, she’ll stop cock-blocking you with her hotter friends that you were more interested in anyway.

Why do I always bring these reviews to a dark, sexual place? I really need to check my male-privilege…

 

4. Titanic (1997)

Adjust gross revenue: $2,516,000,000

Sometimes you just get really lucky with Google image search results!

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Historical context: From 1984-1994 James Cameron was known for writing and directing a long string of absolutely badass action movies. Each of them guaranteeing either Arnold Schwarzenegger’s best non-Predator roles or uncomfortably sexy terrifying alien creatures. Often with brutal violence towards Bill Paxton. Win/win/win.

Then in 1997 he pulled a Clint Eastwood and directed the most profitable chick-flick of all time, Titanic. To a teenage boy, this was as confusing as my first wet dream. And much like my first wet dream, it contained old-timey car sex, a topless British chick, and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Sex appeal: Old-timey car sex, a topless British chick, and Leonardo DiCaprio. Duh…

Does it hold up? Look, if you can tolerate sitting through this crap without whining and she still doesn’t bang you; you’re either going to be stuck in her friend-zone forever, or she’s pure evil. Maybe both…

Or maybe you’re just a little bitch and not even the most powerful movie-aphrodisiac ever created can save you from your own weak game. Did you think about that? Maybe the “friend-zone” is a myth created by whiny losers who can’t get past their own insecurities enough to give a woman what she actually wants in a man. Maybe women aren’t evil and you’re just the social equivalent of snorting Cheeto dust.

Either way three and half hours of boredom is a relatively quick way to get a definitive answer, and reassess all the terrible life decisions you’ve made to get to this point.

Is humanity doomed? Seeing as how everyone (myself included) laughed when that guy hit the propeller, I’d say we were pretty much doomed from the start.

 

3. Star Wars (1977)

Hey, even the Mona Lisa is falling apart…

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Adjust gross revenue: $2,825,000,000

*Disclaimer* I was one of those annoying fat kids who was obsessed with Star Wars. I watched each movie so many times that I had the dialogue memorized, spent countless hours building and painting Star Wars models, and read every single expanded universe novel I could get my never-touched-a-girl hands on.

Then I discovered alcohol and pre-marital sex. But those only mildly reduced my obsession. Whenever someone mentioned Star Wars, my inner fan-boy douche would give in to the dark side and excitedly spout off all the useless knowledge I had about a fictional universe. Thereby causing all vaginas in the immediate vicinity to dry up.

Then the prequels happened.

The Phantom Menace was only a small speedbump in my fandom, as I had drank the Kool-Aid so deeply for so long. But Attack of the Clones hurt my soul, no matter how hard I tried to hide it. Revenge of the Sith was comparably better, sure, but by that point the idea of watching The Clone Wars or reading anything that tied into the prequels triggered a Pavlovian shooting pain in my testicles.

I’m cautiously (rabidly) optimistic for The Force Awakens, but I’m sure as hell not going to watch Rebels or read any of the spin-off books that it will generate. And if I did, I’d probably never admit it to you. I’d probably just hide it under some lame joke about Tinder and alcoholism. I’m a pretty one-trick pony in that regard.

Historical context: In 1977 people had stupid haircuts, were listening to disco and wore mom-jeans.

In 2015 people have stupid haircuts, are listening to EDM and wearing mom–jeans. Star Wars movies come during times when a great cultural catharsis is needed.

Sex appeal: Despite being bra-less, Princess Leia’s outfit isn’t very flattering, even after wading around in sexy garbage water. Though it does have the version of Harrison Ford that women fap to the most, second only to Indiana Jones.

So not much in this movie. Much more sex appeal in Return of the Jedi when they gave Carrie Fisher a gold bikini and a coke habit.

Does it hold up? Let me put it this way. I once showed this movie (and eventually the entire series) to a Russian gal who had never seen Star Wars before. Soon after she got an Old Republic Jedi tattoo right above her vagina.

Now I’m not saying that those results are universal when you show women this movie, I’m just saying that’s one of many reasons why I would French-kiss George Lucas for all the happiness he’s brought me.

Is humanity doomed? Anything that inspires kids to look out into the universe with a sense of wonder, or to hit smaller children with sticks while making lightsaber noises, is a step in the right direction as far as I’m concerned.

 

2. Avatar (2009)

Fight all you want, you’re taking my ponytail-dong… dry!

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Adjust gross revenue: $3,020,000,000

Historical context: James Cameron learned a lot of lessons from Titanic. Most importantly that boring romances between characters with different backgrounds + hundreds of deaths = all the moneys.

So in 2009 he brought us Avatar. Which also meant in 2009, instead of James Cameron, we got McG, the personification of a week-old ham sandwich, directing Terminator Salvation. A film that has the rare distinction of being somehow dumber than both Terminator 3 and Terminator Genisys. So thanks for that, Mr. Cameron. Why not let Brett Ratner direct the sequel to True Lies while you’re at it? Ass…

Sex appeal: None of the standard James Cameron sexual imagery. No naked murder-bots. No face-rapey aliens. No water-dongs. No Jamie Lee Curtis strip-tease-and-complimentary-face-smashing-with-rotary-phone. No old-timey-class-stratification boobs to sketch.

Just lots of blue kitty people in loincloths fighting a #GenericEvilCorporation in between forest orgies. Based on the fact that this is the second highest grossing movie of all time, I’m left to assume that 99% of the population are secretly “furries”, and I’m in the freak-weirdo 1% that doesn’t want to bang gangly Smurf-cats, or ponytail-rape a pterodactyl.

I didn’t imagine that by the way. That actually happened. Multiple pterodactyl rapes. And every time I mentioned how strange that is, women look at me like I’m the weirdo for noticing!

Does it hold up? I’d call this movie “a beautiful piece of shit”. Fun to look at, but will probably make you dumber. Kinda like Jenny McCarthy, except responsible for less deaths and diseases. We’ll see how it looks compared to Avatar 2 in 2017… Or Avatar 3 in 2018… Or Avatar 4 in 2019…

Jesus Christ.

Is humanity doomed? Did you read the above paragraph? Three sequels in the works for this crap, AND people take medical advice from a Playboy bunny instead of doctors. We’re screwed!

 

1. Gone with the Wind (1939)

Look at all these thirsty-ass bitches…

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Adjust gross revenue: $3,440,000,000

Historical context: Apparently America had a civil war. But not the one involving Captain America and Ironman, so who gives a shit?

Sex appeal: Vivien Leigh set the high-bar for sexy, resting bitch-face that has been unmatched to this day. Many women try to replicate it, but most just look constipated or slow.

Does it hold up? An ex made me watch this years ago. I protested partially because I thought it would be a boring chick flick, but mostly because I’m an inconsiderate jag. Much to my surprise, I really enjoyed it!

Afterward I kept calling her “Dainty Scarlett” whenever she was being dramatic and it annoyed the piss out of her. She’d get so red with anger that her face would actually turn scarlet. Then I’d point it out, laugh, and she’d get angrier. That never really ended well. There’s probably a lesson in there somewhere about treating loved ones better, but frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.

Because I don’t learn lessons. Learning is for nerds! *High fives a bro. Chugs a beer. Cries alone in the dark.*

Is humanity doomed? Yup! This is a fantastic movie, but the two leads represent the worst that humanity has to offer. They’re petty, jealous, vengeful, and the perfect template for deplorable, mutually destructive, couples everywhere. This movie holds a mirror up to humanity so we can see the worst of ourselves, yet we will never internalize this, never take responsibility, and never change.

Either that or I’m reading too much into a civil war era, romantic epic after 6 gummy bears and some scotch. Whatever, am I done this click-bait-y list yet? Where did I put the rest of the gummy bears?

So that was the top ten highest grossing movies of all time (adjusted for inflation). If by the time you read this, Jurassic World has made its way into the top 10, just know that I blame you personally and hope you die alone on a mountain of malnourished cats.

So, dear reader, did any of the results surprise you? Have you seen them all yet? Which is your favorite movie on the list? More importantly, how many of you tried my “blue waffle” prank at the end of Part 1?

Tweet me your answers!

Actually… just, just for the blue waffle thing though, k?

I was being polite, I honestly don’t care what your answers are to the non-blue waffle related questions… Nobody does. Not even you Mom. And she’s supposed to pretend to care about you. By the way, she definitely resents you for robbing her of her youth and her figure. You know that, right? You know she considered poisoning you once when you were a baby? Had the poison right in her hands too! All ready to mix it into your breakfast and end the burden, once and for all. If your Grandmother hadn’t called at the right moment to talk her out of it, she would have too! You got lucky. You should probably call her and thank her for putting up with all your bullshit. She honestly deserve better than the way you treat her. Buy her some flowers or scented candles or something. Don’t wait for mother’s day you insensitive twat. What else are you gonna do? Buy another video game? You’re lazy enough as it is, and frankly, you’re getting noticeably pudgy. Better yet, jog the flowers over to you mom and then get your life together. What are you doing? You’re reading a dumb, list-based movie review online. God, how pathetic. Like there isn’t a million of those out there written by other sexless dipshits with misaligned life priorities as it is. You know that there are people out there researching cures for diseases, volunteering to help the less fortunate; making a difference! And here you are… Just look at you. You sicken me, you sicken your mother, and more importantly, you sicken yourself.

Get it together already, idiot!

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Also, don’t forget to like & share the article. We really appreciate you taking the time to go on these little journeys with us here at the movieMixology family!

#onelove<3