Bang, Marry, Kill: J.J. Abrams

“Buy your tickets for Star Wars Episode 7 yet?”

“Nah, the prequels sucked, Laz.”

“That was different, man. J.J. Abrams is directing this one, not George Lucas. It’ll be good!”

“You sure? What was his last movie?”

“Uh, Star Trek Into Darkness… Don’t look at me like that! That movie was written by the dicks who wrote The Amazing Spiderman 2. Not even Spielberg could make those hacks look good.”

“Laz, you’re spitting on me. Calm down.”

“Shut up! It’ll be good. It has to be good… Oh God, what if it isn’t good?! I’d better watch all of J.J. Abrams’ movies and write a bunch of mean-spirited, immature jokes at his expense.”

“Oh, for your internet thingy that nobody reads?”

“I hate you…”

Subject: J.J. Abrams

He landed her BEFORE becoming famous. Stop being a pussy and ask out the hot chick, nerds. Selling a script for $2,000,000 at 26 probably didn’t hurt either…

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Birth date: The same day that Frank Zappa and The Mothers of Invention released their debut album, Freak Out!

Birth place: That place with Ghostbusters and Ninja Turtles and mediocre pizza that the locals can’t shut up about.

Occupation(s): Apprentice whimsy-baron. Director.

Best known for: Inspiring uninspired lens-flare jokes on teh internetz.

Next movie: Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens (December 2015)

About: He has three kids with his wife, Katie McGrath. Not this Katie McGrath, who played the hot PR chick in Jurassic World. This Katie McGrath, who is a real-life hot PR chick. So basically this whole paragraph was an excuse to show this clip of the other Katie McGrath being murdered to death by CGI dinosaurs. You’re welcome, internet!

J.J.’s parents did stuff. Lots of stuff. J.J.’s father, Gerald Abrams, executive-produced the amaze-balls Nuremberg TV mini-series. I actually bought this on DVD back in 2004, along with several other Nuremberg movies. Before you ask, yes, I have a useless degree in political science. Yes, I am fascinated by the Nuremberg war crime trials. No, I’m not a Hugo Boss fetishist. Well, not after The Sound of Music anyway…

As per every Director in the Bang, Marry, Kill series, I’m only looking at the movies released in cinema, because this site is called movieMixology and no one here gives a shit about TV.

I only have 3 ratings for movies because I’m a one-trick pony, devoid of any nuance:

Bang – The movie is worth a watch, but after you’re done she needs to get the fudge out before your roommate comes home and sees you with her.

Marry – Good enough for multiple viewings. You like it enough that you may even teach it how to squirt, if its’ lucky.

Kill – Toss her off to your scumbag, alcoholic friend who has a bad habit of driving drunk every weekend. That way when he inevitably wraps his face around a telephone poll, hopefully he does the world a favor and takes her with him.

All the women I compared to these movies are theoretical metaphors and purely fictional.*

*They’re not.

 

Mission: Impossible III (2006)

Is Tom Cruise wearing heels? There’s no way he’s taller than Ving Rhames. Fact check: Tom Cruise is 5’7, Maggie Q is 5’6, Jonathan Rhys Meyers is 5’10, Ving Rhames is 6’0. I TRUSTED YOU, TOM CRUISE! YOU LIED TO ME, YOU F***!

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All the Mission: Impossible movies are kinda dumb, but this is one of the leastest dumberer ones. Despite being co-written by Orci and Kurtzman, the kings of failing upward, it’s not that bad. It’s definitely not the quality of Brad Bird’s MI4, but far superior to MI2 or MI5 – Rogue Nation, which both appear to have been written in crayon. Just like another overrated, craptastic spy movie that came out this year, Spectre, MI5 had a boner-inspiring opening scene, with the rest devolving into clichéd nonsense and “wait, that doesn’t make any goddamn sense” moments. Just because it was wearing a top hat and monocle, doesn’t mean it wasn’t also eating pennies and licking batteries. Screw MI5!

What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah, MI3 is fine, I guess… Too much boring, relationship crap though. If you’re the type of person who enjoys listening to two hilarious Australian men discussing Tom Cruise’s hair for 2 hours click here.

Drink paring: Seeing as how this was J.J.’s first Christmas movie, I broke out the rum and eggnogs. Add a pinch of nutmeg to heighten the surrealism of watching Tom Cruise run like a Muppet.

Then rail the rest of the nutmeg and watch the completely unrelated, yet more hilarious Steven Seagal running like a girl video.

Underutilized villain: Somehow this is the most boring Mission: Impossible movie despite having the best villain. Or maybe just the best casting for a villain? Philip Seymour Hoffman could have played Mugatu in Zoolander and it would have been more intense than Christoph Waltz in Ingorious Basterds.

Though I preferred him and Tom Cruise together in Magnolia instead. Not once did Ethan Hunt scream “respect the cock and tame the cunt” at anyone. Total missed opportunity for the Mission: Impossible series, in my humble opinion.

Scene that gives me hope Episode 7 won’t suck: The drone attack on the bridge was pretty sexy. As was the Keri Russel rescue scene. Not too shabby for his first feature.

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is that waitress who scanned your BBM pin one night (back in the days when people still used BlackBerry). Unfortunately all she does is bitch about how much she hates her ex-boyfriend and her father. But luckily because you met while drunk and you’ve only been taking via BBM, you have no idea what each other’s real names are!

This is pre-Netflix era, so the equivalent of “Netflix & chill” was “come over to my apartment, watch 10 minutes of Sucker Punch, then have violent sex because neither of you can stand what a piece of shit the other one is”.

Two weeks later you let her know that you’ve met someone who’s name is worth learning. So henceforth you can’t have any more self-worth questioning, border-line COPS episode, hate-bangs with her. She lets you know that “jerks like you are the reason why women don’t sleep with guys on the first date anymore”.

So I guess that was a trend that I ruined? My bad, guys. But on the plus side, inviting a woman over to watch a movie for 10 minutes before sex now counts as a “date”.

Bang.

 

Star Trek (2009)

The green skin doesn’t detract from her hotness, but perms make me vomit. It’s like banging a sexy Weird Al Yankovic, and I’m not emotionally stable enough to handle that.

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Huh, so I guess Star Trek films don’t have to suck. Interesting…

Drink paring: For the second Christmas movie on this list, I broke out an old classic from last year, the “White Christmas”. Scroll down to the Three Stooges review to get the recipe.

Underutilized villain: Who completely forgot that Eric Bana was in this movie? Yeah, me too.

Scene that gives me hope Episode 7 won’t suck: Red Letter Media breaks it down better than I can here. But other than Zachary Quinto’s punchable face as Spock, pretty much the whole movie gives me hope.

Man, Quinto sucks though…

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is the equivalent of that hot little blonde gal that your buddy hooks you up with, who maaay have a slight addictive personality.

On any given day she drinks anywhere from 4-12 Red Bulls and smokes a full pack of cigarettes. When drinking, she chugs triples like they have the antidote. You’re used to the old type of Star Trek movies that plod along at a sluggish, boring pace. But not this rebooted Star Trek! Her resting heart rate is a tachycardic 120, ready to jump to 180 at the slightest provcation, and burst through her chest like the movie Alien.

Sure, when you hook up she only spends maaaybe 2 hours a night sleeping before she’s up again, cracking a breakfast Red Bull, bouncing off the walls, and maintaining a reasonable blood pressure of 159/107. But you’re also probably going to die young anyway, so you might as well go out with a bang! Marry.

(See what I did there? Ha, word play…)

 

Super 8 (2011)

Do you think studios have pools on which child actors will snap first?

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This movie has some unusual stuff in it, like kid actors that can actually act! Nothing ruins a movie faster than a bad child actor. Plus the dialogue actually sounded like kids talking.

Well, except for the distracting “mint” catchphrase. Stop trying to make “mint” happen, kid. It’s not going to happen! That is so un-fetch.

The point still stands. The two kids in Jurassic World were fine actors, but the dialogue was nauseating and it took me out of the movie. At no point did I wish that the Super 8 kids or the original Jurassic Park kids would get their heads ripped off by CGI monsters. But when the kids in Jurassic World started crying about their parents’ divorce (out of goddamn nowhere), the theater collectively prayed for the raptors to start punching them in the face.

God, the more I think about Jurassic World, the more I hate it. Like Interstellar or Terminator Genysis, or the first time I filmed myself having sex. (Keep her in frame, idiot!)

Drink paring: A Christmas movie about a train monster terrorizing the 80’s? Perfect for Hot Chocolate mixed with Kahlua, spiced rum and egg nog.

Christmassy as mofo, yo!

Underutilized villain: Colonel Badguy was just sorta there to act like a dickhead and inspire the jerk lieutenant in Fear the Walking Dead. Did you see FTWD? Man, that show was underwhelming… Like tit-fucking a gal who wears padded bras.

Why did I even bother?

Scene that gives me hope Episode 7 won’t suck: Pretty much any scene where the lone female character interacts with the rest of the male characters. She was great! There’s none of that useless-chick syndrome that we so often see in sci-fi movies. In the Transformers series, Megan Fox, new-Megan Fox, and newererer-Megan Fox’s only character traits were being hot, dumb and bitchy.

And don’t say “so what?”, this crap is important!

Rey is going to be a big component of Episode 7. I want a Leia Organa, or an Ellen Ripley, or a Hit Girl. Not some cringe-inducing Padme Amidala. We know Abram’s Episode 7 writing partner, Lawrence Kasdan, (who did Empire, Jedi and Raiders) can write strong female characters. And from watching Super 8, I’m pretty confident that Abrams won’t turn Rey into Mary-Jane Watson from the Raimi Spiderman films.

*Shudder*

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is that hippy gal that drags you to movies in the park to see Stand By Me. Sure you could just watch movies indoors, with temperature control, on furniture, like you’re both adults with jobs and responsibilities, and not filthy goddamn hobos. But she likes the experience of sitting on cold, wet grass, being slowly Sarlacc’d to death by nuclear mosquitoes, while surrounded by unbathed hipsters and the junkies that live in Confederation Park.

Are they… Are they selling homemade candles at the kiosk next to the free-trade, organic coffee bar and gluten-free candy stand? Ugh…

At least when you get back to her place you get to try a kinky new type of sex. The type where you’re both covered in an overpowering amount of bug spray and try not to vomit on each other. FYI, you’re both going to taste metal for a week because you’re not supposed to lick skin covered in aerosol death chemicals.

Totally worth it doe. It was Stand By Me!

Bang.

 

Star Trek Into Darkness (2013)

A hot chick in her underwear? In a movie? Unheard of! SJW bloggers were right to pretend this was an outrage.

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• What was up with that volcano scene? That was pretty stupid, eh?
• The Khan twist? Pointless!
• Recycling the same scene from MI3 where the hero is torturing the villain and his stupid friend stupidly calls out his stupid name, stupidly identifying him? Why bother?
• Magic blood? Lazy!
• Zachary Quinto? Even worse than last time!

I could go on and on about all the dumb shit in this movie, when all I need to do is remind people that Orci and Kurtzman wrote it. Those guys are just the worst. Though mercifully, the studio stopped the one with the retard haircut from directing Star Trek 3. So now we get the director of four Fast & the Furious movies instead… Um, yay?

Anyway, this movie blew. My editor disagrees, but he also liked Skyfall.

Idiot…

Drink paring: The worst Christmas movie since that terrible live-action How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Spread some Christmas cheer by drinking grain alcohol mixed with cat pee.

Stir with a candy cane for extra Christmas spirit!

Underutilized villain: Cumberbatch is a great choice for a villain in any movie, but the Khan twist was lame and forced.

They should have just done Kirk vs Sherlock Holmes. Or Kirk vs a talking Dragon. Or Kirk vs Stephen Hawking.

Scene that gives me hope Episode 7 won’t suck: When Kirk and Khan were navigating the debris field to Admiral Robocop’s ship. That scene was just as intense as any scene in Gravity, but without being constantly interrupted by Sandra Bullock yammering nonsense like a coked-out bar-star working out her daddy issues.

Bang, Marry or Kill? This movie is the ex you unexpectedly run into at the bar. You try to be a nice guy and not let things get weird, so you invite her and her friend over to your table. It’s awkward at first. You ask her how things have been. New boyfriend, new job, the usual. She already knows everything you’ve been up to in the past few years, for some reason. She sits on your lap and you start chatting like old friends again.

Everything is relaxed, comfortable and going smoothly. For a while…

After a few more drinks she starts showing your friends naked pictures of herself on her phone. OK weird, but she’s always liked attention and drunk chicks need constant validation. Plus she has phenominal tits. No biggie.

Then she tries to bang one of your buddies in front of you. Now everyone is trying not to make eye contact and is drinking their beer in silence. It’s uncomfortable to the point where your friends just want to leave before things get weirder (or they’re just embarassed for you). So you ditch the girls and go to another bar.

That’ll teach your dumb ass to be civil.

Was she doing it to make you jealous? Was it to get revenge? Some other form of chick-logic? These are all excellent questions for her new boyfriend to deal with, because Star Trek isn’t your problem anymore.

All you have to worry about now is Star Wars.

Kill.

 

Next Movie: STAR WARS EPISODE 7: THE MOTHERFUCKING FORCE AWAKENS!

Yes, I wrote this whole article on J.J. Abrams to help alleviate my fears that Episode 7 could wind up as soul-crushingly bad as Episodes 1-3 (also as obvious click-bait, duh). I already mentioned that the script is in good hands with Lawrence Kasdan. And even though I still want to French-kiss George Lucas for all the happiness he’s brought me, I’m glad he has zero involvement.

From an acting standpoint, the four new leads don’t have the longest resumes. I don’t know much about Daisy Ridley or Adam Driver. But John Boyega and Oscar Isaacs are genuinely good actors. And if my drunk, bloviated recommendation isn’t enough for you, go watch Attack the Block and Inside Llewellyn Davis. Their performances will alleviate any fears you may have about those two not having big acting dicks.

And even though Abrams’ last movie was a constant stream of eyeball farts, I feel pretty good going into The Force Awakens, and so should you. Despite his critics, J.J. Abrams knows his shit and is on par to match the career of his dark lord, Steven Spielberg.

So calm your flabby man-tits, fanboys, we’re in good hands. Probably… We’ve been led astray by false prophets before.