Into The Woods: Boring

Director Rob Marshall (Chicago, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides) definitely has a lot going on in the film adaptation of Stephen Sondheim and James Lapine’s famous fairytale musical. The question, however, is by the end, is anyone still paying attention? A monumental cast and a fun premise ultimately do little to bring this story to life on screen.

Premise: A witch tasks a childless baker and his wife with certain tasks in order to lift a spell; a journey that has them stumble upon many fabled fairytale characters. Result: Leave it on stage, it has no play on screen.

When Witch (Meryl Streep) tasks the brooding Baker (James Corden) and his longing Wife (Emily Blunt) with a Herculean task in order to lift a curse, the stage is set for what was sure to be a fun, melodic romp with a beloved take on popular stories. Sadly, this film is DOA.

Tusk: Well, Um….Hmm…Yeah, Ok Sure.

Infamous writer/director Kevin Smith (Clerks, Dogma) has made a horror dramedy – based on a personal ad– that at very worst will leave audiences talking loudly. The premise is grotesque to understate the issue, yet some strong tension, great acting, and some genuine (if surprising) humor lifts this film from the brink.

Premise: Podcaster Wallace Bryton disappears while interviewing the mysterious Howard Howe, a monster who tortures him in an attempt to change his victim into a walrus. Result: A grotesque but intriguing dramedy that will leave more eyebrows lifted than not.

After watching the 2009 horror calamity The Human Centipede, rather than review the film, I simply wrote,

For various personal reasons, I will not be reviewing this film. It is not poorly made and it is frightening. But at its core is an element so tragic and so wretched that is does not deserve further light. It lives in that dark place between knowing the facts and hearing the details. And I will not participate in that horror any longer.

Dramatic, perhaps, but it expresses an inherent exasperation with a horror film that shocks and sickens with little else to say.

Transcendence: Thought-provoking and Unique

Acclaimed Christopher Nolan cinematographer and new director Wally Pfister helms what is widely held to be one of the most recent Hollywood cinematic disasters. Yet, despite the lack of box-office draw, the film is actually far more interesting than the ominous reporting would have us believe.

Premise: As Dr. Will Caster works toward a self-aware artificial intelligence, he and his wife Evelyn find themselves confronted with an opportunity to get closer to the solution than they ever dreamed. Result: An intriguing and well-structured film that provides a new twist on a popular concept.

Will Caster (Johnny Depp) and Evelyn Caster (Rebecca Hall) along with colleague Max Waters (Paul Bettany) work in dense field of computer science devoted to the creation of Artificial Intelligence or AI. But when an anti-AI terrorist group RIFT led by Bree (Kate Mara) coordinates an all-out attack on AI facilities across the US, a devastating blow is delivered to their dream.

Entire research centers are destroyed and scientists murdered in one frightening swoop, leaving only a handful of scientists -the Casters, Waters and Joseph Tagger (Morgan Freeman)- left standing. But much to their dismay, Will would not be standing much longer, the victim of slow assassination through radiation poisoning that gives him only weeks to live.

Dark Shadows: Some Fun, Some Strange, Mostly Mediocre

Collaborating once again with Johnny Depp and wife Helena Bonham Carter, Director Tim Burton has cultivated in Dark Shadows some unexpected results. The first half of the film is surprisingly fun, energizing and coherent, a feat thought largely impossible from the trailers alone.  However, this results in a downside as well: the success of the first half creates higher than average expectations for the latter and sadly, these expectations, victimized by plot incoherence and some shockingly poor decision making, are far from fulfilled.

Premise: Imprisoned by a jealous witch, vampire Barnabas Collins is set free and returns to his ancestral home, where his dysfunctional descendants are in need of his protection. Result: A film that starts out strong only to end at the bottom of a cinematic ravine.

Based on the cult-classic 60s television series, Dark Shadows spans several centuries to cover the afflicted life of a Mr. Barnabas Collins (Depp).  The heir to a Maine Seafood Fortune cultivated by the British Collins family, Barnabas grows up in Collinsport (named for the family) in an American castle, known as Collinwood, in the late Eighteenth Century. Everything works wonderfully for Barnabas until his affair with the lovely housemaid Angelique Bouchard (Eva Green) is cut short by his failure to reciprocate her love.

To Barnabas’s great misfortune, Bouchard turns out to be a powerful witch and uses all sorts of sinister sorcery to not only murder his parents and his true love Josette (Bella Heathcote), but also turn him into a Vampire to prolong his suffering for all of time.  She then has the townspeople bury the creature, never to be heard from again.

Of course, he is heard from again when a construction team happens upon his coffin and unwittingly releases him (note to reader: should you ever stumble upon a coffin that not only has been chained closed but also happens to move violently, run, don’t walk, away). Here Burton does a wonderful job of balancing humor and horror: in one moment Collins is joking, in another he is killing a half dozen people, and then back to joking again.  The moods switch quite frequently but also deftly, keeping the audience invested despite the emotional roller coaster.

Collins then reports to Collinwood, now in ruins, to resume the life that had been stolen from him. Here he stumbles upon a ragged Elizabth Collins Stoddard (Michelle Pfeiffer) who is the de facto head of the crumbling household.  Within the 1972 Collinwood dwell some of the more bizarre creatures Burton has coinsured (and this not including the witch or vampire.)

Brother Roger (Jonny Lee Miller) is half deadbeat dad and half petty thief, daughter Carolyn (Chloë Grace Moretz) who looks desperate to take a mouth full of high-Octane meds, nephew David (Gulliver McGrath), who is supposedly crazy for seeing visions of his dead mother, and Dr. Hoffman (Bonham Carter) who juggles caring for David’ psychosis and her own alcoholism. Of course, there is also the help, consisting of old lady mute-pants Mrs. Johnson (Ray Shirley), Willie Loomis (Jackie Earle Haley) who seems to have just escaped from Shawshank Prison, and, of course, the new and not a minute too soon Governess Victoria Winters (also Heathcote).

Ultimately, the film follows several key storylines, some better than others.  At the forefront are Barnabas’ actions to turn Collinwood into an inhabitable castle once more and the business into the pride of their family.  This, of course, invites the ire of the villainous Bouchard who seeks to both destroy and (lovingly?) ensnare Barnabas.  There is, of course, the third plotline that reunites Barnabas with a supposed ancestor of his former love.  As these plots build, there is significant humor intermingled with trademark Burton darkness that makes the film both entertaining and exciting.

But as the film nears its second half, the novelty has largely worn off.  This is due to some mind-boggling errors from Burton and his team.  At first, there is only an inkling that the bright lights of this film are flickering: a few bad jokes here and there, but not enough to distract from what is going well.

However, then, like some sudden phantom, the calamity is upon the audience and the echoes of screeching wheels overwhelms.  Scene after scene becomes more absurd than the last; some moments are just silly, taking their tolls as the story builds, but some just come completely out of nowhere (why is there a werewolf?  Why the ghost screamer?) As the chaos subsides at film’s end, we are left with a resolution that is rushed, clumsy, unfunny, and disappointing.  Unacceptably, it appears somehow like Burton lost interest in the film by the mid-mark and was replaced by a local grade school prose assignment.

The acting in the film is strong, however.  Depp, as always, manages to make this character memorable, fully embodying the creature, letting himself seep into every pore.  While at times the character clearly becomes a bit absurd and the even annoying, this is mostly due to the script he had to work with than the delivery. Green is also quite strong as the villain, swinging like a pendulum from seductive to maniacal. Pfieiffer is also quite strong, perhaps the most consistent along with Depp, as a shrewd but tired matriarch, embodying loth, exhaustion, and creepiness.

Haley and Bonham Carter are additional treats in the film; Bonham Carter is awkward and eerie as always, embodying the true aesthetic her husband has cultivated so assiduously.  Haley, for his part, is ten parts creepy, twenty parts filthy, and all the rest pure comedy.  His glassy eyes and slack-jawed musings are comedic gold and help to keep some scenes moving that otherwise would have sat in squalor.

Overall, Dark Shadows exceeds only expectations that were painfully low to begin with.  The film is enjoyable for a significant amount of time, but ends poorly, ebbing from cringe-inducing to just plain boredom.  Nevertheless, Burton does manage to do enough with the film to keep Dark Shadows from being a failure.  Instead, the film is a fair representation of the series and an equally middle of the road entertainment experience. Considering the final scenes, this is quite the compliment.

Rating: 6 – A mediocre Prosecco that a cute bartender served you

Pirates of the Caribbean – On Stranger Tides: Some New Tricks Make This Film Fun But Ultimately Can’t Revive a Tired Formula

Director Rob Marshall (Nine, Memoirs of a Geisha) manages to do something that the director of the third installment of the Pirates franchise couldn’t: make a bearable movie. However, despite numerous fun moments, this film never moves beyond a passable light show: some impressive visuals that disappear from memory minutes later.

Premise: Jack Sparrow and Barbossa are on a quest for the fountain of youth, competing with the dreaded, magical Pirate Blackbeard, his daughter and the Spanish.  Result: Many independently interesting or impressive events and ideas that never quite coalesce into a one solid film, serving as another example of a movie where the whole is not as great as the sum of all its parts.

After the confounding disaster of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007), this new film was likely an attempt to reboot the ailing franchise and bring in audiences that may have been alienated.  While On Stranger Tides certainly avoids many of the pitfalls of the last, it still drags on and is often too cutesy for its own good.

On Stranger Tides begins with a series of escape sequences involving Jack Sparrow that manage to confuse and bore simultaneously.  His escapes at the hands of the pursuing King’s army reduce these soldiers to a hoard of hapless stooges and transform Sparrow into an adult Dennis the Menace.  “Things” appear to just happen on screen and by this point audiences are so accustomed to the absurdity that we watch complacently, allowing for the occasional chuckle to escape our lips.

Fortunately, the film does pick up as the plot is revealed: Sparrow (Johnny Depp) finds himself aboard the dreaded Pirate Blackbeard’s (Ian McShane) ship; Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) mans another ship under the direction of the King; and the Spanish with a small fleet of their own, set sail for the fabled Fountain of Youth. It should be mentioned that Blackbeard’s daughter Angelica (Penelope Cruz), is his first mate and happens to be a former love interest for Sparrow.

The focus of the ensuing journey is a split between Blackbeard-Sparrow-Angelica ‘s on goings and Barbossa.  On Blackbeard’s ship there are a few interesting developments: a humorous mutiny, the revelation of Blackbeard’s magic (including zombies!), and the discovery of the Black Pearl mixed in with some not so interesting developments, most notably the sleep-inducing preacher plotline with a Missionary named Phillip (Sam Claflin) who rants about saving souls and other nonsense no one seems to care much about. In fact, the only humor in that plotline was a single line uttered by Depp: “I agree fully with the Missionary’s Position.”

For his part, Barbossa spends much of his time proving his hatred for Blackbeard and riling up the British troops.  This plotline is largely forgettable had it not been for the weight of Rush’s acting which somehow manages to keep observers from passing away during his scenes. For the most part, however, the journey to the Fountain is tedious: while it is clear that finding the Fountain of Youth is doubtless a long and treacherous project, it is unlikely that audiences themselves need to feel like they have been traveling on boats for a month.

The best part of the journey is the introduction of the mermaids: mysterious creatures that both enthrall and terrify.  While mermaids are by no means new concepts in story and film, On Stranger Tides manages to make them extremely interesting, far more so than the rest of the plot. In fact, part of the way through the mermaid-centered events, audiences will likely long for Marshall to abandon the original intention and make this film about the mermaids instead.  Alas, it is not meant to be.

The remainder of the film has a few scattered laughs and a few exciting, unexpected developments.  The Barbossa-Blackbeard resolution proves entertaining while the relationship between Angelica and her father (and then Sparrow) proves humorously absurd: we are expected to believe that Angelica loves her father unconditionally, even though for much of her life she didn’t even know him and their union is fairly recent.  Of course, our incredulity is only worsened when the inevitable Missionary-mermaid romance is introduced. At this juncture, the only actions more prominent than sword fights are audience eye rolls.

Fortunately, the film is largely saved by the caliber of its remarkable cast. Depp is still great fun as Sparrow (even if at times he does come off a bit slapstick.) Rush and McShane and quite amusing and Cruz manages to hold her own and breathe life into a character that by all expectations should have never gone beyond a cardboard cut-out. 

Overall, On Stranger Tides is an improvement on a formula that had recently been box-office poison.  However, despite some laughs, notable events and characters, this film – unlike the first film so long ago- won’t rise above its humble origins: a movie about a theme-park ride. 

Rating: 5 – A luke-warm Pinot Grigio