The 2015 Bang, Marry, Kill Orgy: Rob Cohen, The Wachowski Siblings, George Miller, Tarsem Singh & J.J. Abrams.

To answer your last question, yes, the Dutch eat farts.

I did it last year, so in the spirit of not having anything better to do, here’s the 2015 Bang, Marry, Kill wrap-up.

BB-8 approves!

What? I reviewed 5-ish directors in 2015 for movieMixology’s Bang, Marry, Kill series. Each right before they released new movies into theaters, in a crass attempt to piggy-back site clicks off their hard work. All while I nurtured my alcohol addiction and lazily threw out dick jokes.

The tortured artists: Rob Cohen, The Wachowski Siblings, George Miller, Tarsem Singh and J.J. Abrams.

Their 2015 masterpieces: The Boy Next Door, Jupiter Ascending, Mad Max: Fury Road, Self/less and Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens.

Bang, Marry, Kill: J.J. Abrams

“Buy your tickets for Star Wars Episode 7 yet?”

“Nah, the prequels sucked, Laz.”

“That was different, man. J.J. Abrams is directing this one, not George Lucas. It’ll be good!”

“You sure? What was his last movie?”

The Top 10 Highest Grossing Movies of all time (and why humanity is doomed because of them) Part 2

I’m finally recovered from my trip to Las Vegas. And my editor only had to check on me twice to make sure I didn’t die, so I’d say it was a blazing success.

If you haven’t already, read Part 1 to see the #6-10 highest grossing movies of all time. Or don’t… and this adorable puppy will die!

Don’t read anything sexual into this. He’s just watching me take a dump, you weirdos.

It will be painful, and it will be on your head…

Now onto part 2 of this dumb list!

The Top 10 Highest Grossing Movies of All Time (and why humanity is DOOMED because of them) Part 1

 

No need for a long-winded intro here. We’re looking at the top ten highest grossing movies of all time and examining all the horrifying things that they imply about human nature.

Adjusted for inflation, of course, because I’d rather toss a hobo’s salad than watch Transformers 3, Harry Potter 8 or Furious 7 from the unadjusted list.

10. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

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The scene in the photo isn’t nearly as sexy as it looks.

Adjust gross revenue: $1,819,000,000

Historical context: Everything sucked in 1937. Shirley Temple was their Megan Fox, Errol Flynn was their Vin Deisel, Clark Gable was their George Clooney, and Jean Harlow was their YouPorn. You try spanking it to this and tell me you wouldn’t rather watch an Albino spaz wandering through the forest, shacking up with 7 mini Unabombers and singing to animals while they pooped on her instead?

Bang, Marry, Kill: Tarsem Singh

We’re deep into the summer movie season. Max’s have been mad, Avengers have assembled, and Chris Pratt had a topless, Top Gun-style volleyball montage with raptors. So which director’s body of work should I be an immature jerk towards in a futile attempt to cope with my own crippling inability to accomplish anything of significance?

There’s lot’s of big movies left to choose from, so instead let’s look at the really obscure director that no one’s heard of because he keeps changing his damn name with every movie he releases.

It’s like click-bait reverse psychology. By practically daring you not to click the link, you’ll click it so fast that the server room (aka Maurice’s porn dungeon) will explode and release the souls of all those 1920’s bootleggers buried in his basement.

Subject: Tarsem Singh

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Occupation(s): Director. Guy who always has that smirk when you cut a silent fart in a crowded elevator.

Why You Should Not Go See “Jurassic World: Feminist Road”

Not to get all “blood farty” on you, but the geek inside of me was excited when I saw the previews and marketing material for “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial for Atari 2600.” From that great period before ET sold out to the man and joined the galactic senate. And technology powered by Reese’s Pieces and dying children (I don’t remember the E.T. that well).

It flopped worse than Operation Olive Garden.

Of course, this just reiterated a lesson that my hope (that I’d find a working Atari 2600) made me temporarily forget: Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? And sadly the same thing can be said for “Jurassic World.”

Bang, Marry, Kill: George Miller

 Subject: George Miller

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Birth date: He refused to leave the womb until the Battle of Manila was over. George began making bold political statements from a very young (fetal) age.

Birth place: The nightmare factory known as Australia; where you have to check the toilets for murder before sitting, and even the teddy bears have poisonous fangs that spit acid.

Occupation: Harry Potter cosplayer. Director.

Best known for: Giving the world Mel Gibson and gay penguins. But unfortunately not in the same movie…

Bang, Marry, Kill: The Wachowski Siblings

 

Hey, the Wachowski Brothers Siblings have a movie coming out this week… Click the article. Do it. Click it. Click it. Click it!

Click Me!

Subject(s): The Wachowski Siblings

We look like the villains in our own movies.

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Birth dates: One on the same day as Chinese Astronaut, Yang Liwei. The other during Star Trek’s “Trouble with Tribbles” episode (which inspired some of Orci & Kurtzman’s biggest unintentional laughs).

Hometown: They grew up in the same mean streets that created some of history’s greatest monsters: Al Capone, John Wayne Gacy, Richard Speck, and Jenny McCarthy.

Occupations: Former Jay & Silent Bob cosplayers. Current Eastern European rave-club owners. Directors.

Best known for: The Matrix

Bang, Marry, Kill: Rob Cohen

After BMKing Paul Thomas Anderson, I needed a break from watching good movies. All this compelling storytelling, complex characters and creative visuals was getting to be too much.

I almost stopped lighting my farts long enough to read a book for Christ’s sake!

Luckily it’s January, when studios dump out all the garbage that’s too embarrassing to release the rest of the year. But who should I chose? Michael Mann’s movies are 90% inhaling farts, 10% monkey with machine guns and a GoPro. David Koepp’s deal with Satan was exclusively to create visual sedatives. And Olivier Megaton is a French midget with a stupid name. Not a lot of options…

Wait, who’s the guy they call when Michael Bay is too subtle? When Brett Ratner is too story driven? When Joel Schumacher just isn’t gay enough?

I know!

The Bang, Marry, Kill, 2014 Orgy: Kevin Smith, Christopher Nolan, The Farrelly Brothers and Paul Thomas Anderson.

Hey, weirdo. What’s up?

I’m trying out a lazy method of delivering information to the reader by talking to myself.

I’d say you’re off to a bad start.

Me too. I also reviewed four Directors this year via movieMixology’s Bang, Marry, Kill segment. Each right before they released new movies into theaters, in a disgusting attempt to piggy-back site clicks off their work.

Neat, which Directors? I don’t read your site.

Kevin Smith, Christopher Nolan, The Farrelly Brothers and Paul Thomas Anderson.

So now you’re going to review Tusk, Interstellar, Dumb & Dumber To and Inherent Vice?