Worst Films of 2012
While 2011 had its fair share of horrific films (see 2011 Empty Cups Awards), 2012 delivered its own line of cinematic garbage best discussed over shots and waste paper baskets. Some of these films, despite astronomical budgets and links to storylines with actual past success, managed to ruin audiences irreversibly. In other cases, newbie directors took steps right off the cliff to ensure that their next directorial gig would involve sleeping pills and a Kardashian.
Keeping in mind that such debacles as The Watch and The Three Stooges failed to top these lists shows just how painful the nominated actually were. And for that, they deserve congratulations…and some form of treatment. Here they are, the worst of the worst…
Resident Evil – Retribution
Premise: Alice teams with the resistance against the Umbrella Corporation and zombies. Result: This movie was about something, or so they tell us, but it is not clear what really. But who cares.
The main reason this film tops out as 2012’s worst film is because it had so much more to work with than its lesser rivals 
and yet still managed to lead the pack circling the drain. Despite and experienced director, a storyline that actually worked well once, a comparatively astronomical budget and loyal fan base, the latest installment of Resident Evil is thoroughly unwatchable. It is poorly edited, poorly developed, poorly acted with dialogue that is either agonizingly predictable and cliché or blatantly juvenile (I think actual plagiarism from middle school tweets took place!)
In the end, Resident Evil: Retribution isn’t worth the time spent complaining about it. However, it should be noted, that despite the nonsense that was this film, we still have more sequels to look forward to. Where are Sharon Angle’s Second Amendment remedies when we need them? Read Full Review
The Apparition
Premise: A couple is haunted by a supernatural presence that was unleashed during prior paranormal experiments. Result: A dull, poorly executed film that felt miserably long despite its relatively short length.
It is difficult to adequately communicate just how far this film was from good. Essentially, this film is a nonstop series of either pointlessly trivial scenes that fail miserably at evoking suspense or horror scenes that either are too confusing or poorly constructed to actually be scary. This coupled by obnoxiously incompetent acting by the lead actress and a resolution that feels so sudden and rushed that audiences may wonder if director Todd Lincoln pulled a Kubrick and just keeled over before finishing. But judging from the rest of the film, either scenario would not have done much to bring this film back from the dead. Read Full Review
Haywire
Premise: A black ops agent seeks revenge after she is betrayed during a mission. Result: A choppy, messy, tired film that often delivers the inexplicably grainy, blurry quality of a camcorder from the mid-80s, cheapening an already poor film.
Despite a mainstream, frankly all-star (minus the lead) cast, Haywire feels like an abandoned student film left for dead on a cluttered, dorm 
room floor. Every choice in this film is so appallingly awful as to cause wonder, “Was this on purpose??” The storyline somehow borders on both cliché and utter nonsense: there are scenes where observers will simply have no idea what is happening and others where the dialogue is accompanied by a “facepalm” icon in the corner of the screen.
The acting helps no one in this film: Channing Tatum phones this one in from another galaxy, yet is still leaps and bounds better than Carano who has the on-screen effect of slit-wrists. The scenes in which they act poorly are constructed with wrapping paper and super glue, executed with all the sophistication of craft-time at the mental home. And the musical score is so dazzlingly terrible as to cause seizures in more than 22% of audiences.* See Full Review.
*Note: This may not be true.
The Innkeepers
Premise: During the final days at the Yankee Pedlar Inn, two employees delve into the hotel’s haunted past. Result: The only supernatural element here is the déjà-vu sensation of “Yup, I’ve seen this a few times before and didn’t like it then either.”
Ti West sadly strangles this somewhat interesting story in its very own crib, life stolen from it before it had a chance. He squeezes every possibly horror tactic and cliché into much of the plot with little result and worse seems incapable of executing pacing that doesn’t feel ripped right from the nursing home. In the end, this is a boring, agonizingly confusing film that never goes anywhere. Read Full Review
The Devil Inside
Premise: On a mission to discover the truth about what happened to her mother, a woman participates in a failed documentary in Italy and gets 
more than she bargained for. Result: A dull film that does nothing to advance the mythos of Exorcism; if anything it may set it back.
Yet another film about exorcisms only this time using the hand-held camera plot device, The Devil Inside is a struggle for any audience. While the film has a few moments that connect, overall it is a cliché-fest that often focuses on horror moments that don’t actually make any sort of sense. It’s famous “connect the cuts” scene is one of those – creepy in a way, but definitely mostly just stupid. Read Full Review.
And like the dreadful agony of an empty cup, so go these films of 2012. Enjoy!
Note: Empty Cups Awards for Worst performances coming soon!
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